Thoughts and feelings of the day- 28th July.

Why do people feel the need to be horrible & bitchy? Why can't they stand to see others happy? Why do they say they dislike someone, but still go out od their way to be nasty and to spy on them?... why, why, why?

We only have one life, why would you want to spend it losing friends? Being horrible & upsetting people?

Especially when they know what you might be going through.

Fair enough, not everyone can be friends.. but you leave it as that.. 'not friends'.

You don't continue to be horrible and bitch and moan about them.

If I dislike someone then that's it, I don't think about them and get on with my life.. but it's hard to keep calm when someone's constantly on your back being nasty.

There is NO need for bullies.

MY LABOUR & BIRTH STORY.

On Sunday the 12th of February I didn't feel my baby move. I was one day overdue and very anxious about why she wasn't wriggling. Throughout the whole of my pregnancy she was always on the go. Wriggling, kicking, sticking her limbs in my ribs. I thought something was seriously wrong. For peace of mind I went to the Maternity unit for a heart trace to make sure she was still breathing. The trace came back fine and said I was having irregular contractions.. however I still could not feel the movements, nor the contractions. The doctors decided to give me a Stretch and Sweep, just to ease my worries. Upon doing this, they told me I was 2cm and ready to drop. 
With Triston by my side I headed home to await the arrival of our baby girl.
That night I woke with awful back ache, and pains across my stomach. I didn't know what labour felt like, obviously as a first time mum. & I wasn't too informed of 'period pains' either as I had never suffered them before.. So I went on to do my Paper round and go for a walk to town with Triston.
On the Monday afternoon, things were getting more painful and I was sure it was time.. Arriving at the hospital expecting my baby to arrive, I was still only 2cm and having irregular contractions. I was sent home to 'rest' and have a wriggle on my birthing ball.

That night I did not sleep, the pains were intense but manageable without pain relief and I wanted my baby more than ever.

Tuesday came and again, I did my paperround and went for a walk.. I was tired at this point having no sleep, and desperate for things to progress. We went to town and brought Fresh Pineapple, and I spent the day on the birthing ball eating.. again in lots of pain.

That night things started picking up and I was struggling to breath through the contractions. Triston was timing and eventually at 2 in the morning, they hit 3 minutes apart. We phoned my Mum to pick us up and off we went to the hospital.

The midwives looked at me as if to say 'Ergh, not her again.. you're not in labour so go home'. I demanded an internal examination.. by this time I had missed two nights sleep and was in agony.

What happened next was a shock, to us all and my emotions started kicking in. I thought I was going to meet my baby girl. The internal examination showed that I was 8cm dilated.. Too far dilated for a water birth. They informed me that my baby would be in my arms within a couple of hours.

For 8.5 hours we waited in the small delivery room. In and out of the bathroom and the ward. Not once did I sit down, apart from the on the birthing ball. Triston and my mum were tired, and we were all impatient.. Stuffing our faces with sweeties and hot chocolate, trying to stay awake. Why was my daughter being a pain, she 'should' have been here according to the doctors. At 11:00 another internal examination showed that I was finally at 10cm and ready to push. This is where the Gas and Air came in.. At first it was great, but I went light headed and thought I was going to pass out. I had to give it up, and go it alone. 

After an hour and twent three minutes of pushing, with my Mum, Triston, The Midwife and Student Midwife by my side, Alyssa-Mae Lillian Sedgwick entered the world. I was so excited, relieved, tired.. and scared. The doctors were rushing around, worried about the blood loss. I had torn internally and externally and was losing a lot of blood. Alyssa was in my arms and I didn't even focus on what was happening at the end of the bed. Deep down, beyond the worry, I was exstatic, over the moon. My precious Rainbow baby was here. 

The doctors were amazing and managed to stitch me up without having to have full on surgery.

Everyone was crying with happiness, including the student midwife.. she had just helped deliver her first ever baby! :')
Alyssa was weighed and we found out she was a perfect 7lbs 8oz.

We were discharged the next day after a 24 hour observation due to Alyssa inhaling Macconium(sp). But  all was well and we were thrown into life as a family of three. :)

In labour, listening to Justin Bieber!!

First born cuddles :)

Finally going home!

Diary post #1

(I feel ever so crazy doing this.. but my doctor said writing a diary will help.. and I thought you might be interested in reading it too.)

Dear diary,
Today has been a good day. The sun makes me so happy. I felt confident in a strappy vest top, which is a hugeeee difference to how I was before. I have been relaxed and smiley.

We took a picnic to the park and played in the river with Alyssa! :-) She absolutely loved it and seeing her happy makes me happy.

I've not thought about anything bad.. and looked at the best of situations.. including Alyssa running in the road(I'd normally think oh lord that's dreadful- but today I understood that now she has done it, I was able to tell her off and let her know it's dangerous).

Making the best of situations isn't easy for me, so am feeling very proud.

That's all for now! Not much to report on from today.

Tata for now. ♡

Saturday is caption day. #SatCap

The real sleeping beauty. :0)

Not ready..

So on Wednesday I had a breakdown. My depression had got the better of me and took my motivation. The house was a mess from this.. and then my OCD reared it's ugly head. I'm sure they work together to bug me!! Anyway, I was very tearful, stressed and upset.. all because I missed some medication. I then realised that I am not ready for my medication to be lowered. I am scared and feel that I'll go off of tracks. I was so pleased before.. but it seems to have got on top of me. I am a bit gutted that I I won't be having them lowered, after trying so hard, but I know I need to stay on them for the safety of myself and the people around me.. also for the sanity! There's plenty of time for it to happen, just not now. In September it will be a year since diagnosis.. and for people to get that far is a big achievment.. not many are off of meds by then.. so maybe I was being a bit too optimistic. I am looking forward to seeing my doctor and telling her my feelings.. although I have lots of people to talk to, it's nice talking to someone who doesn't know me.. it's like they don't have to help.. they purely want to(even though they get paid lol).

 So, I guess that for now.. I need my happy pills.. but ONE DAY I will beat this!!

silent sunday :)

House and depression update!

, we are all moved in to our new house.. and things are going great! Moving house with a toddler had it's challenges, but I managed to stay stress free and we're finally settled in. Life is somewhat different now.. more relaxed but structured. We have developed a steady routine and I believe that is what has made me how I am today... happy, relaxed and carefree! THAT'S RIGHT.. I have a hinch that I am on the road to recovery..speeding ahead from the 'dead end' I was on. I have a meeting with my doctor on the third to discuss weaning me off of my medication.. I'm feeling positive about this now, rather than nervous. :)

1. Alyssa is growing fast now.. sixteen monthsngoing on sixteen years. She has developed a right little character and makes me laugh everyday! A perfect help to my recovery.

 That's all for today.. but I will be back! :)