Pregnancy diary- Update 1!

Well, this week has been a rollercoaster.. that infact I never want to ride again.

on Monday, I started feeling unwell. On Tuesday, I saw an emergency doctor and was diagnosed with a severe Urine Infection, however the test also showed something else.... HCG! These are hormones pregnant women produce! She was worried about the pain I was having down one side of my body, and the fact I was losing spots of blood, so phoned the hospital for advice. Because I was taking the Pill, they were concerned that I was having an ectopic pregnancy, so filled my head with information and sent me home, with a appointment for a scan on the Thursday. Going home knowing that not only my baby's but my life was at risk too was horrible, and the next two days were awful with emotions running everywhere!

Thursday came round and I was feeling positive, the blood had gone aswell as the pain. We waited in a room full of happy pregnant women for the scan and my tummy was in knots! During the rather uncomfortable scan, the sonogropher looked worried. There was no sign of baby at all! She sent me out and we were called in to speak to a doctor. She said that I would need blood tests for the next couple of days to measure my hormones..

SO the next two days were spent having blood tests until we got the results on Saturday evening. My hormones had not only doubled, but almost quadrupled! Meaning baby was fine, and there is a possibility I could be carrying a multiple pregnancy!

So this week has been a bit pants, but we ended on good news and although this wasn't planned, we are feeling blessed to be carrying baby no.2!

As for symptoms, Im doing okay. A bit tired, sicky.. but nothing major to report on! :D

We have another scan on Thursday to see if baby will show it's face!

Here is a test we did after the doctor told us I was pregnant.. dark right?

Slimming world!

Three weeks ago I took the plunge and joined a local slimming world group! I was completely nervous, and didn't know what to expect, but when I got in there everyone was so friendly and understanding. I realised that we were all there for the same reason- to lose weight. So this is the start of my weight loss journey. On my first weigh in, I weighed 15 stone 6. Second, 15 stone 1.5lbs, and my third, 14 stone 13.

I will be posting weekly updates, recipe ideas and of course, my general blogging too! Enjoy :-)

Missing in action! An update.

I feel so awful looking back on my posts and leaving you all in the dark. I haven't posted in a while and to be truthful, I don't think I've needed to. I've been so busy.. busy being happy! :')

So for a while now I've been feeling amazing, and I stupidly made the mistake of taking myself off of my medication. Three whole weeks off and I was feeling amazing, full of energy, happy and carefree. Until I woke up struggling to walk, heart palpitations, hot and cold sweats, headache, dizziness and generally very lethargis..

Silly old me got medication withdrawal! I felt sooo pants and a bit disheartened BUT I didn't cry, I went into the kitchen and got out my meds and took one 20mg dosage.. less than normal but I hoped it would help.

For two weeks now I have been taking 20mg, and at my next doctors app on Friday I will be talking about slowly lowering further and weaning off. For five+ weeks now I've managed on none or a smaller dose of tablets, Triston lost his job.. I was fine, I was ill and felt fine, the house has been a mess and ive felt fine.

I've built up the confidence to start slimming world and am one week in and feeling fab so that's a plus too.

I am super proud although I now know to walk before I can run sorta thing. So yes, that is where I have been hiding.. in a land of happiness and fun and laughter and just pure bliss!!

#depressionisntweakness♥

I get knocked down- but I get up again.

Wow. What a crazy couple of weeks. Stress from Triston losing his job sent me off on one of the worst breakdowns yet. I was so lost, confused, angry. I didn't want to be here. I didn't leave the house, I didn't get dressed.. I sat indoors like a hermit. I wondered why we were here. To be let down, disappointed.. to then die and it all be over. Morbid I know. I couldn't focus on the good things inbetween, the happiness, memories, love and laughter. Nothing could cheer me up and I spent days crying and sleeping. Waking, crying, sleeping.. waking, crying, sleeping. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to face the world that had left me feeling this way. All in all: I didn't want to be here at all.

My family were my rock. Well, Triston and my Mum. They forced me to get dressed, to put make up on, to tidy the house or to go to the park. They made me realise why I need to beat this. They made me see that light again. They reassured me, comforted me, showed me the positives, iliminated the negatives. They made everything feel okay again.

Without them, I'm not even sure if I would still be here right now. And that scares me. Every knock back sends me lower and lower each time.

Depression is a monster!

TODDLER FUN- Pizza Making. 06/08/2013.

Today Alyssa helped make her own dinner. Or 'ninner' as she calls it.
We found a simple Pizza dough recipe and decided homemade Pizzas were on the menu tonight.
With Alyssa stripped down to her nappy, hands washed and nails scrubs.. we sat her on the worktops and got started. 
Making the dough was messy and sticky, but she loved it & I really think she enjoyed being praised. She looked so independant! Once the dough was done, and Alyssa was scrubbed once more, we set out shaping and topping our Pizzas. We chose Chorizo, Green Giant Corn, Cheese and Pineapple chunks to top with, along with Garlic and Chilli infused Tomato Puree for the basing.

Alyssa loved sprinkling(AND NIBBLING) the cheese and arranging it on the base.

20 minutes in the oven and they were done. The smell was amazing, the dough spongy, yet thin and floppy with a crispy crust. We did good! :D

When we brought in the Pizza to Alyssa, she looked so happy. I think she recognised it from the earlier Pizza she helped decorate, and looked super proud of herself whilst getting stuck into eating it!

Here are a few piccies:

Anxiety is blergh!

Friday 2nd August 2013.

I had been looking forward to this day for about a week! I was going to meet some old school friends in the town centre for a big catch up. I was so ready for some time being a 'teenager' and not 'mummy' first. Alyssa was dropped down to my Mum and I put on my best outfit(Basically the one without baby food down it, one that was clean and freshly ironed lol) and did my hair and makeup and I was ready to go. I kissed Triston goodbye and went to the front door. This was it.

I was supposed to be happy, excited.. yet I couldn't bring myself to open the door.

I could feel the tears welling up. Triston stood there looking at me like what's the problem? 

I was scared, anxious.. I didn't want to leave. I told him I was tired, I wasn't feeling well, I was scared.

He looked at me & I started shaking.. why wasn't I happy? I should've been ecstatic. One of my friends I hadn't seen in 7 months! Why did my anxiety flare up now?

I'm not sure what I was anxious or scared about.. them seeing me knowing what's wrong with me, seeing how much weight I've gained, or going it alone.. not being used to going without Triston or Alyssa by my side, or whether it was the fear of not fitting in anymore. I wanted to stay home and be a mum. I couldn't switch off. I knew as soon as I stepped out the door I was a free teenager, and I couldn't bring myself to it.

So anyway, after ten minutes of discussing, Triston realized I needed a push- literally. He pushed me out the front door, kissed my head and said 'Have fun princess'.

It was the push I needed. He accepted that I needed time out, so why couldn't I?

I got to my friends house as her mum was lifting us into town, and I let my shoulders go. I was free.

 Free from the anxiety I had ten minutes ago, free from the 'family life'. I was teenager Tamar again.

I laughed at teenager-y things, chattered like a school girl and smiled at the memories we brought up.

In town the first half an hour I felt anxious, I closed up and barely said anything, but I think my friends noticed and they made me feel comfortable.

The rest of the day was amazing, we reminisced, messed around, shopped and relaxed, chatting about our busy lives. They spoke about sixth form, I spoke about carpets and curtains.. but they didn't care. They are truly amazing. They laughed at my not really funny mummy jokes and I laughed at their tales of boys and coursework.. It was like the old times again.

I know I can beat this, one step at a time.. It is taking longer than I imagined, but I will get there. With amazing friend and amazing family, I will finally be able to say.. I KICKED DEPRESSION'S BUTT!

DEPRESSION UPDATE. 17 months on.

So it is roughly 17 months on since I 'got' depression, and almost a year since I finally got help. 

I am on the same amount of medication since, it has not been highered nor lowered.

In myself, I feel I am happier.. however, my anxities are still causing havoc & I feel I haven't got over that just yet. As for my OCD, I feel that has gone completely.. and I am happy about that, however, I think I am over the OCD because the depression has taken control and is making me less motivated to be so obsessive over things.. so it's good but bad too.

I am coping daily by focusing on what NEEDS to be done and not what HAS to. I am trying to pull myself away from negative people too, and that seems to have helped. 

Planning for the future is working aswell, we're talking about house decor, a car, job possibilities for myself etc.. So that's great. :)

In terms of the support I'm getting, it's still going strong.. however I think people are thinking I should be over this by now.. so aren't being as aware of my needs. If only they knew how long it took to 'get over' depression, and I hope they realise the truth soon, as it can take a long time and I don't want to go without any support for that long.

My doctor has been great and we've spoken about certain diets I can use to make myself more body confident, aswell as exercise plans made to make you feel happier(Endorphins and what not). So I am feeling more positive about myself after losing a couple of pounds and I feel less like I need to eat to make me happy.

Overall, things are going well. They are heading in the right direction. Sometimes, I get knocked down, but I am finally strong enough to pull myself back up again.

Thanks for reading, bye for now. x

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.