Update #2. Feb 2013.

Update on my feelings: The last couple of weeks have been a total rollercoaster of emotions & I think today it just hit me. Gearing up for Alyssa's first birthday was emotional, but then having her in hospital 3-4 times, on her birthday & over her birthday weekend made it 10x worse. Seeing your baby poorly & not knowing how to help is the worst thing, & it brought back all of the horrible thoughts that I was a bad Mum. Because of the hospital trips, we were all exhausted & the housework was lacking.. This wasn't really a problem, until today. I have glandular fever/tonsilitus & it's the worst pain ever. The housework needed doing & I needed to get ready for my Parenting course.. but I couldn't see past the mess & told myself I couldn't go to my course- I had to stay home & tidy. I am proud of myself- because I took some time out in the bathroom & told myself that I can leave the mess for the other people in our house to tidy & I can go to my course & relax. It's not often I will think about myself first, but I did today & I came home to a tidy house all thanks to my amazing fiance, Triston! As much as people slate him, he really is a gem. He's been my biggest rock throughout this journey & without him, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. I had a PND & OCD check up last week & although I'm doing well, they want to keep me on my medication for at least another four months(Until June) before thinking about lowering my dosage & then gradually coming off of them in time for Christmas 2013. I think that's a good idea- I hadn't had a breakdown for four weeks(Until today) but I don't feel 'ready' in myself to stop them altogether. I think we need our own place, & our own routine to get into before I can go it alone again.

A little window into my thinking: Aswell as thinking about finding a house, thinking about Alyssa, Triston, the weekly food shop, playgroups, housework etcetc.. I as a Mum have to remember to take my medication, have to write down the days of my breakdowns, keep a record of my feelings, have check ups with doctors, aswell as having all the emotions of being a Mum with PND & OCD whizzing around my head day in day out. I have to forcefully tell myself NOT to wash up straight away, I have to walk away from the toys on the floor.. Most parents would take the opportunity to relax with a cup of tea when the baby is napping- not me, I feel guilty for having the 'me time' & tidy up Alyssa's mess, or get activities ready for when she awakens. This makes the job of being a Mum ten times harder, but somehow I'm coping & Alyssa is thriving.

Alyssa's 12 month update: At 12 months she is now sitting, rolling, crawling & cruising, standing unaided for a minute at a time, eating with a fork/spoon, recognizing ducks and saying quack, recognizing cats & saying cat, woofing at the dog, can turn the pages of her story books, sort shapes in her shape sorter, say 'Mum/mama/mummy, Dad/dada/daddy, nana/nanny, grandad, woof, cat, up, hot, tah & yeah.. aswell as lots of gobbly-goop! :) She can climb the stairs with us behind her & can get into her pram by herself. She now tells us when she's ready for bed by going to the stairgate, rattling it & shouting 'Up'. She is on 3 meals a day, with snacks between & is a healthy weight of 20lbs 4oz.. & a loooooongggg 76cm in height! She's fitting nicely in 12-18 month clothes & her hair is now able to fit into headbands & clips! :') She makes me smile everyday with her crazy dancing & the way she'll come & snuggle again, like when she was tiny!

Relationship update: Triston proposed to me on our two year anniversary & things are going great. We're both happy & as 'in love' as we were on the day we first started seeing each other.. but even more so. We're spending more time together now that I can leave the mess for a little while & my new relaxed approach means cuddles don't irritate me as much- which has meant lots of nights snuggled infront of a movie. We're talking to each other lots about our feelings- which is great because we can deal with any issues in a relaxed manner! :) He's working extra hard to provide for us & to be a great Daddy & Partner.. & he has been so amazing! :D On Friday we're taking our first trip to the City Hall to see Comedy Magicians perform- which we're both looking forward to. .& making a date night out of it! :) All in all, we're completely in love & have a very happy & healthy relationship.


I hope you enjoyed this blog.. & look forward to writing for you all again soon!

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS. x

Update. :D

It's been over three weeks since my last breakdown & I'm feeling very positive. Spending lots of time with my family & friends has really helped me cope. We've started playgroup- which I would have never been able to deal with a couple of months ago, & we're possibly a few months away from getting our very own place! :)

I've had a few people tell me that I ramble too much about my depression & that I'm doing it for attention. How anyone can think that I'm making myself go through this complete rollercoaster of feelings for 'attention' I don't know. But I guess they'll never know, they're happy.. they wake up feeling fine, they don't have worries.. & until they know how it feels, they can't really judge me.

It's almost Alyssa's first birthday(two weeks today) & I'm getting quite emotional just thinking about it. One whole year we've managed to survive. 

We were chucked into this crazy new life, filled with dirty nappies, tantrums, teething, odd sleeping patterns, but most of all, unconditional love & pride! I think we've managedvery well, considering we're young & we've had personal battles to overcome. & I hope that one day Alyssa can tell us that's she's proud of us.

Through the eyes of a teenage Mum, a lot of things aren't simple. Teenage hormones, mixed with pre-natal hormones are an awful chemical mixture.. & sometimes it's just a matter of time before it all gets out of hand. Although we're a lot like any first time Mum, we get judged more.

A few people have also said to me that I'm wrong in saying that(we get judged more).

The reality is that if you're a Mum in your late twenties, you can take a walk into town without getting stared at, people might stop & tell you your baby's cute, they'll let you past on the pavement & chat to you whilst you're having a coffee...

For a teenage mum it isn't like that- Some will walk down the street & get verbal abuse thrown at them from every direction, people will purposely get into their way, they'll look down their noses at your baby & whisper 'i feel sorry for her'. 

They don't see past the young physique.. they automatically 'assume'. 

& I don't see why. 

Most of the people who judge don't realize that they're not just affecting the Mum, they're affecting the child. If the Mum is upset- the child picks up on it, if the Mum starts to isolate herself away from the bullies, the baby is affected.

Before you judge- ask me my story. <3

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.

Thanks for reading! :)

A day in the life. Our meals.

A lot of people assume teenage mums feed their children McDonalds & crisps all day. Being a Mum, I've found a new hobby of cooking.
Alyssa's meals today are:

Breakfast- Cornflakes with milk, cherries, cranberrys & sultanas. Beaker of water.

Lunch- Philidelphia Sandwhich, handful of raisins, 1 small Satsuma, 1 Sesame Breadstick, a few Organix Cheese & Herb puffs & a beaker of Juice.

Afternoon snack- Malted Milk biscuit & a banana.

Dinner- Quorn bolognaise with Spaghetti & a side of Vegetables.

11 months on this beautiful but crazy journey!

Yesterday, my beautiful baby girl turned 11 months old! How crazy it is! It feels like just yesterday I was in hospital, having Haribo stuffed into my mouth by Triston, listening to Justin Bieber as my Princess started her arrival. Now she's a beautiful, not so small, bundle of joy. Talking, crawling, feeding herself, pointing, clapping, waving, laughing, smiling, cuddling, climbing, dancing, growing & most importantly, sharing lots of love. She's learnt so much this past 11 months, more than you could ever imagine.. but so have I. I've learnt to love someone more than I could have ever loved before. I've learnt that life isn't about materialistic things, it's about the family, friends, love & support you get. I've learnt lots of new skills to be a mummy, patience, imagination(Especially when you've got a baby crawling around barking at the cat), I've learnt to cook, to organize, to be prepared & to live life to the full.
& as her birthday creeps forward, it's a special time for her, but also for Triston & I. It's the one year mark of our new life. A whole year into this crazy journey called parenthood. It's an achievment.. knowing our girl has grown & developed into a clever, healthy one year old!

When I was diagnosed with PND & OCD, I wasn't too sure if I would even get to this milestone, I was low & confused about what I wanted. But now everything's clear again, I was made to be a mummy, & this illness is just a little blip in my journey, nothing's perfect, life is going to throw things at you, as long as you have support & courage, you can get through anything!

I haven't had a bad day in a little while now, & I'm grateful for it. I'm focusing on the future, & looking at my beautiful family.. that's what's keeping me strong!

A day in the life.

After waking at 9:45 to the sound of Alyssa playing in the bedroom chair with her Daddy, I knew it would be somewhat a good day.
I felt refreshed & ready to beat any bad thoughts.
Triston came into bed with Alyssa, we cuddled & then he set off to work at 9:55.
Alyssa & I got out of bed & ventured downstairs.
After a quick tidy around, we started playing with her toys & I had a quick check of Facebook(To find bitchy comments to me, yet again.. will they ever stop? Silly people!)
Breakfast consisted of Weetabix, & as always a change of clothes for both Alyssa & I. Aswell as a scrub of the carpet, after Alyssa decided to fling her breakfast at Mummy!
A few nappy changes, crazy dances & cuddles on the sofa later, Alyssa decides that she wants to chase the cat around the lounge- resulting in a crying cat, & Alyssa eating a tail! Phheeeeeeww, by this time, I'm exhausted & Alyssa is too.
Baby napping, I can finally sit down with a cup of tea & get down to catching up with my blog.
Triston is due home in an hour, & I plan on making Spaghetti & meatballs for dinner(Could end up with something from the freezer if my cooking still hasn't improved(99% chance of this happening!)

Maybe a walk later, & relax for the evening. This is a good day. & I hope there's more to come!

How I cope..

The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster for me. My anxiety & trust issues returned & I've had a few breakdowns. Just bursting into tears for no reason what-so-ever. Some days have been really good, & then I see things on the news, Poverty stricken countries, wars taking over people's lives, money issues, people dying of Cancer, house fires, floods etc.. & I feel so angry at the world. But then again, I look at my beautiful daughter & how fast she's developing, her smile, her cheeky giggle.. & I think, why do I feel angry.. I've got the most perfect family I could have ever wished for, & no matter what the world is doing, they're here with me. I guess it's never going to be the same again, not now I've come to terms with it. There'll still be bad days, I'm just hoping I can be strong enough to get through them better than I have this past week.

I cannot be more thankful for my wonderful partner though. He has to put up with so much negativity from me, not wanting cuddles, not smiling.. sitting around looking sad, getting angry at him for being silly etc.. How he manages to be so amazing & supportive, whilst having his own problems occasionally, I'll never know. I honestly thought he wouldn't want to stay. Who'd want to stay with someone who spends a lot of the time hiding in the bathroom crying? My Triston, that's who! He always seems to find a way to cheer me up, no matter how low I feel. He treats me like a Princess, cuddles me, & tells me it's all going to be okay.. He'll sit stroking my hair until I fall asleep, or rub my back when I'm so tense I'm shaking.
THAT is why I love him so much. He always puts Alyssa & I first, no matter what.

Although I haven't posted for a while, writing is still my best therapy.. that & walking.
Writing helps me 'throw away' my negative thoughts & start a clean slate(Why I tend to write at nighttime before bed) & walking helps me 'take in' all the fresh air, the atmosphere around me.. I'm free when I'm walking, I can go anywhere I'd like to go.. :)

Alyssa is one of the other ways I cope. Who could be sad when they see her giggling away to herself, or cuddling the cat(Or anything fluffy for that matter?) I know I have to be strong for her, & that helps a lot!

Chocolate is another good way of coping.. but that's not the best one(I'm trying to cut down, haha)
Anyway, I think my head is clear now, so I am off for the night.. to TRY & get some sleep on these darn tablets.

Once again, thank-you for reading.. & I hope this helps to make people realize.. DEPRESSION ISN'T WEAKNESS. (:

Just a little ramble.

Hellooooo :)
Haven't blogged in a little while(Which is actually a good sign) so thought I'd update anyone who's reading.
I've had a good week+. No breakdowns in a long while(Can't remember the last one) Which is amazing!:D
I've been out with new people & their babies, & felt so proud I had the confidence to do so. Was very nice seeing my girl interact with other little ones!
Alyssa is currently on steroids because of a poorly skin problem.. & it's the worst thing to see her in pain, however.. she's achieved a lot over the past week. Standing alone for around 30 seconds. Walking everywhere with her Vtech Walker, passing things to you when saying 'Tah'. We have a tooth through & another on it's way.. & she is also attempting to spoon feed herself! When she sees an animal, teddy or even a family member, she lays her head on them(Attempting to cuddle) & says 'aaaah' & she also claps when you say 'clap Alyssa' & when she's done something that we clap at her for! :D It's amazing seeing her reach new milestones, & definitely makes me feel better- knowing I have helped her development is a confidence booster.
I'm feeling quite relaxed, knowing the house is being redecorated & taking each day as it comes. Unarranged outings have taken place & I haven't stressed over them.. a lot of change & I've been able to accept it!
Small steps make great impact!
I have another doctors appointment on Monday, to get some more medication & for a 'chat' about how everything's going.. so fingers crossed it will be fine.
We have lots of plans for next year, Alyssa's first birthday, Christening, splitting a large bedroom & moving Alyssa into her own.. & I've figured having a lot to look forward to helps my moods!
Christmas is around the corner & that's definitely made me relax, it's my favourite time of the year!
I'm off now anyway, as little lady is dancing to Gangnam Style & I have to watch(Makes me giggle every time)
Goodbye for now! :) xxxxxx