Pregnancy & baby loss. 3 years on.

On the 29th of March 2011, aged just 15 years old, I stood in my bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. I had been with my partner, Triston, since January and were very shocked to see the two strong lines! I was on work experience at a nursery school, and the prospect of becoming a mum, although scary, excited me!
We told our family the same day, it was never going to be a secret.. and our friends the day after- looking back I regret a LOT. We had worked out dates and I was roughly 7 weeks pregnant. 
In the evening of finding out, I suffered bad cramps and kept saying 'if I wasnt pregnant, I swear I'd be having a period'.. but put it down to stretching and carried on as normal. On the 2nd of April we were out with friends in a local town, shopping and having a photoshoot. The pains were getting worse, but again, I just thought it was 'normal'. Triston went off to grab some lunch whilst myself and my best friend popped into a clothes shop. As we were standing in the queue after oggling baby clothes, I felt pressure in my lower back and thought I was going to wet myself. I left her in the queue and ran to the nearest toilets, but it was too late. Blood was gushing out of me, and I was terrified. After a lovely lady gave me some wipes/pad etc and helped me clean up in the bathrooms, I found Triston and my friend and told them what had happened. Triston and I walked away for a while to come to terms sith it and buy some lady products for the journey home. We decided to stay for the photoshoot, trying not to think the worst- denial and naive :(

As we got home, and told my mum who had suffered baby loss a few times, we realised that what I was losing wasn't just 'blood' and infact it was the pregnancy ending. We went to the doctors and were rushed for an appt at the hospital for hormone testing.

We were called into a small, dark room and our worst fears were confirmed. The hormones were quickly dropping and I was losing our baby.

I didn't cry, I accepted what she was saying and said 'maybe it was the wrong time'..
For the next week I found work experience too hard to do, working with babies that I wouldn't have myself.
I didn't speak about what happened, and neither did Triston.

I remember days where I would break down, 😕 I'd hit out at Triston and shout '😯 I want my baby back'.

So that, is our baby loss story. I have never really spoken about it in detail- I guess I feel bad complaining when luckily we've been blessed with more healthy children. A lot of people say 'you never met the baby' 'you never bonded' 'it wasn't a real baby'. But it was a baby, my baby. I had the symptoms, the excitement, the plans for a new arrival- all taken away from me infront of my eyes and the worst thing was knowing I could do nothing to stop it. No medical attention would have stopped it. It was destined to happen and that broke my heart.
This year i'm finding it hard to come to terms with. As I'm expecting my '2nd 'little girl, i'll never have the memories from my 1st. I guess that's just how things happened for us, and I do believe everything happens for a reason- but sometimes you can't help but feel 'why me?'.