Depression doesn't stop for birthdays.

On the 3rd of January, I turnt 18. A big milestone.. but I didn't feel like celebrating.
As I was told my life begins now, I'm an adult now.. and after a meal with all of my friends soon to be Uni students, I felt awful.
I've never regretted the decisions I've made.. and never will.. however on my birthday, I felt different.
I thought about my friends, going to Uni.. getting jobs, parties etc.. and wondered if I had done the right thing.
Obviously my low confidence helped my brain make the decision that I hadn't done the right thing.
I felt like a rubbish mum- no job, no further education.. nothing to show my girl and her brother or sister how well I've done. No hobby to be proud of.. no job to provide for them.
Now I know, sympathy isn't given when you've gor yourself into a situation and you'll be thinking it's my own fault- I'm not silly.. but I feel the need to share this to show teenage girls that having a baby isn't JUST about dressing them up and pushing prams.
Opportunities like college/uni/parties etc.. are twice as hard to work for, take twice as long to do for some.. or never happen at all. Especially if you're unfortunate enough to develop depression.
I broke down in tears and couldn't stop. My 18th should be about plans to move out, partying and forgetting about coursework for a day. Not tidying up my own house whilst chasing my child around and throwing up morning sickness.

It was a horrid morning.. I doubted my parenting and everything.
That afternoon, I sat down and Alyssa came running up to me, hugged me and pronounced peoudly 'I love you mummy'. Out of the blue.. a whole sentance. Not even 2 years old.
That's when it hit me.. I dont have qualifications (that won't get you far in this day anyway) I don't have a job (but Triston does and provides for us) I don't have parties (that would be forgotten anyway) but what I do have is 1000000x better than any of that. I have a clever little girl who loves me, dotes on me and cherishes time with me.. who I will guide into the right direction and show the world to.

Being a parent is hard.. being one with an extra hurdle like being young or depression, or any other hurdle is even harder.

Think about what you want before making that one decision that could change your life forever.

Reflecting..

Christmas and new years always makes me reflect.. on the year we've had. What went well, what didn't.
So I thought I'd share 5 main points from this year- good and bad!

1- We moved into our own home. This was a BIG change for us, but a very welcome one. After living in a shared house for a year and a half with a baby/toddler, it was needed! A new house meant we could make our own routine, healthier food choices, and meant we had freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted. A downside- ALL of the housework is down to us.. boooo!

2- Triston lost 2 jobs within the space of 3 months. This was a hard time for us, financially we made decisions that weren't great (we have sorted them now thank God) and we weren't able to do the things we used to enjoy. It sent my depression on a downward spiral and I needed my medication UPPING :( Although it did give us some much needed time together. .

3- I started Slimming World! This was a huge step for me.. I was so unconfident before and my weight spiraled out of control. I reached my all time heaviest and felt so ugly. Obviously not good for depression, anxiety and low self esteem. Since joining I've lost 12lbs (more if I didn't have a few naughty weeks lol) and although I can't yet notice a big change, I feel healthier in myself and am loving thd home cooking!

4- I found out I was pregnant! A big shock, but a happy one. We didn't want it to happen, precautions were in place.. but once we found out we were.. we were ecstatic. So far no affect on depression! :-) Feeling very positive..

and... 5- I continued to gain support from my followers on blogger, youtube and Facebook.. and helped people in need.. I am proud of my efforts- big and small! Depression affect- positive!

Of course, more than 5 things have happened.. but these are the ones that stood out to me!

I wish you all a Happy and healthy new year!!

pregnancy week 9!

I cant believe we're at week 9 already!
Tpday I had my first midwife appt and I am very happy with how things went.
They're pleased with how we are as teenage parents and don't think we need any support on that half which is fab!
Slimming world is still allowed as I am still 'overweight' so I can carry on which is great as I love the support I get from the group!
As for symptoms- I'm feeling fab! No symptoms as such.. just dry, horrid tasting mouth which I'm scrubbing at least 5 times a day! Eeewww!
I spoke about my PND and she is happy with my progress and will make sure I have suppprt in place if need be but for now I'm feeling happier than I've ever been!
Alyssas really getting used to a baby being inside me and keeps kissing and stroking 'baby baby' haha!
Christmas is soon here and I am so excited! :) There will be a separate post just after Christmas telling you all about it!
I can't believe how much things have changed since Alyssas pregnancy..

Look at this fab pink maternity notes book I have- it used to be a blue pouch!

Tata for now anyway, a quick post but hope you enjoyed. X

Pregnancy, week 7!

After weeks of tests, scans and what not.. we found out that baby is fine!
Such a relief!
So today I am 7+6 weeks pregnant and I'm feeling great!
Morning sickness has subsided, and I'm managing to beat the pregnancy exhaustion by napping whilst Alyssa naps!

On Friday, however, we were involved in a car crash.
I developed cramping and backache. The hospital checked my blood pressure which was obviously high due to stress but they wouldnt check baby for me as I wasn't losing blood :/
The pains have stopped now so we're feeling quite positive.

Alyssa took the brunt of the emotional impact and hasn't slept properly since.. so we have appointments for her this week to help.

That's all for this week, as the pregnancy develops there will be more but we have nothing else to report on now! :-)

Pregnancy diary- Update 1!

Well, this week has been a rollercoaster.. that infact I never want to ride again.

on Monday, I started feeling unwell. On Tuesday, I saw an emergency doctor and was diagnosed with a severe Urine Infection, however the test also showed something else.... HCG! These are hormones pregnant women produce! She was worried about the pain I was having down one side of my body, and the fact I was losing spots of blood, so phoned the hospital for advice. Because I was taking the Pill, they were concerned that I was having an ectopic pregnancy, so filled my head with information and sent me home, with a appointment for a scan on the Thursday. Going home knowing that not only my baby's but my life was at risk too was horrible, and the next two days were awful with emotions running everywhere!

Thursday came round and I was feeling positive, the blood had gone aswell as the pain. We waited in a room full of happy pregnant women for the scan and my tummy was in knots! During the rather uncomfortable scan, the sonogropher looked worried. There was no sign of baby at all! She sent me out and we were called in to speak to a doctor. She said that I would need blood tests for the next couple of days to measure my hormones..

SO the next two days were spent having blood tests until we got the results on Saturday evening. My hormones had not only doubled, but almost quadrupled! Meaning baby was fine, and there is a possibility I could be carrying a multiple pregnancy!

So this week has been a bit pants, but we ended on good news and although this wasn't planned, we are feeling blessed to be carrying baby no.2!

As for symptoms, Im doing okay. A bit tired, sicky.. but nothing major to report on! :D

We have another scan on Thursday to see if baby will show it's face!

Here is a test we did after the doctor told us I was pregnant.. dark right?

Slimming world!

Three weeks ago I took the plunge and joined a local slimming world group! I was completely nervous, and didn't know what to expect, but when I got in there everyone was so friendly and understanding. I realised that we were all there for the same reason- to lose weight. So this is the start of my weight loss journey. On my first weigh in, I weighed 15 stone 6. Second, 15 stone 1.5lbs, and my third, 14 stone 13.

I will be posting weekly updates, recipe ideas and of course, my general blogging too! Enjoy :-)

Missing in action! An update.

I feel so awful looking back on my posts and leaving you all in the dark. I haven't posted in a while and to be truthful, I don't think I've needed to. I've been so busy.. busy being happy! :')

So for a while now I've been feeling amazing, and I stupidly made the mistake of taking myself off of my medication. Three whole weeks off and I was feeling amazing, full of energy, happy and carefree. Until I woke up struggling to walk, heart palpitations, hot and cold sweats, headache, dizziness and generally very lethargis..

Silly old me got medication withdrawal! I felt sooo pants and a bit disheartened BUT I didn't cry, I went into the kitchen and got out my meds and took one 20mg dosage.. less than normal but I hoped it would help.

For two weeks now I have been taking 20mg, and at my next doctors app on Friday I will be talking about slowly lowering further and weaning off. For five+ weeks now I've managed on none or a smaller dose of tablets, Triston lost his job.. I was fine, I was ill and felt fine, the house has been a mess and ive felt fine.

I've built up the confidence to start slimming world and am one week in and feeling fab so that's a plus too.

I am super proud although I now know to walk before I can run sorta thing. So yes, that is where I have been hiding.. in a land of happiness and fun and laughter and just pure bliss!!

#depressionisntweakness♥