Update #2. Feb 2013.

Update on my feelings: The last couple of weeks have been a total rollercoaster of emotions & I think today it just hit me. Gearing up for Alyssa's first birthday was emotional, but then having her in hospital 3-4 times, on her birthday & over her birthday weekend made it 10x worse. Seeing your baby poorly & not knowing how to help is the worst thing, & it brought back all of the horrible thoughts that I was a bad Mum. Because of the hospital trips, we were all exhausted & the housework was lacking.. This wasn't really a problem, until today. I have glandular fever/tonsilitus & it's the worst pain ever. The housework needed doing & I needed to get ready for my Parenting course.. but I couldn't see past the mess & told myself I couldn't go to my course- I had to stay home & tidy. I am proud of myself- because I took some time out in the bathroom & told myself that I can leave the mess for the other people in our house to tidy & I can go to my course & relax. It's not often I will think about myself first, but I did today & I came home to a tidy house all thanks to my amazing fiance, Triston! As much as people slate him, he really is a gem. He's been my biggest rock throughout this journey & without him, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. I had a PND & OCD check up last week & although I'm doing well, they want to keep me on my medication for at least another four months(Until June) before thinking about lowering my dosage & then gradually coming off of them in time for Christmas 2013. I think that's a good idea- I hadn't had a breakdown for four weeks(Until today) but I don't feel 'ready' in myself to stop them altogether. I think we need our own place, & our own routine to get into before I can go it alone again.

A little window into my thinking: Aswell as thinking about finding a house, thinking about Alyssa, Triston, the weekly food shop, playgroups, housework etcetc.. I as a Mum have to remember to take my medication, have to write down the days of my breakdowns, keep a record of my feelings, have check ups with doctors, aswell as having all the emotions of being a Mum with PND & OCD whizzing around my head day in day out. I have to forcefully tell myself NOT to wash up straight away, I have to walk away from the toys on the floor.. Most parents would take the opportunity to relax with a cup of tea when the baby is napping- not me, I feel guilty for having the 'me time' & tidy up Alyssa's mess, or get activities ready for when she awakens. This makes the job of being a Mum ten times harder, but somehow I'm coping & Alyssa is thriving.

Alyssa's 12 month update: At 12 months she is now sitting, rolling, crawling & cruising, standing unaided for a minute at a time, eating with a fork/spoon, recognizing ducks and saying quack, recognizing cats & saying cat, woofing at the dog, can turn the pages of her story books, sort shapes in her shape sorter, say 'Mum/mama/mummy, Dad/dada/daddy, nana/nanny, grandad, woof, cat, up, hot, tah & yeah.. aswell as lots of gobbly-goop! :) She can climb the stairs with us behind her & can get into her pram by herself. She now tells us when she's ready for bed by going to the stairgate, rattling it & shouting 'Up'. She is on 3 meals a day, with snacks between & is a healthy weight of 20lbs 4oz.. & a loooooongggg 76cm in height! She's fitting nicely in 12-18 month clothes & her hair is now able to fit into headbands & clips! :') She makes me smile everyday with her crazy dancing & the way she'll come & snuggle again, like when she was tiny!

Relationship update: Triston proposed to me on our two year anniversary & things are going great. We're both happy & as 'in love' as we were on the day we first started seeing each other.. but even more so. We're spending more time together now that I can leave the mess for a little while & my new relaxed approach means cuddles don't irritate me as much- which has meant lots of nights snuggled infront of a movie. We're talking to each other lots about our feelings- which is great because we can deal with any issues in a relaxed manner! :) He's working extra hard to provide for us & to be a great Daddy & Partner.. & he has been so amazing! :D On Friday we're taking our first trip to the City Hall to see Comedy Magicians perform- which we're both looking forward to. .& making a date night out of it! :) All in all, we're completely in love & have a very happy & healthy relationship.


I hope you enjoyed this blog.. & look forward to writing for you all again soon!

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS. x

Update. :D

It's been over three weeks since my last breakdown & I'm feeling very positive. Spending lots of time with my family & friends has really helped me cope. We've started playgroup- which I would have never been able to deal with a couple of months ago, & we're possibly a few months away from getting our very own place! :)

I've had a few people tell me that I ramble too much about my depression & that I'm doing it for attention. How anyone can think that I'm making myself go through this complete rollercoaster of feelings for 'attention' I don't know. But I guess they'll never know, they're happy.. they wake up feeling fine, they don't have worries.. & until they know how it feels, they can't really judge me.

It's almost Alyssa's first birthday(two weeks today) & I'm getting quite emotional just thinking about it. One whole year we've managed to survive. 

We were chucked into this crazy new life, filled with dirty nappies, tantrums, teething, odd sleeping patterns, but most of all, unconditional love & pride! I think we've managedvery well, considering we're young & we've had personal battles to overcome. & I hope that one day Alyssa can tell us that's she's proud of us.

Through the eyes of a teenage Mum, a lot of things aren't simple. Teenage hormones, mixed with pre-natal hormones are an awful chemical mixture.. & sometimes it's just a matter of time before it all gets out of hand. Although we're a lot like any first time Mum, we get judged more.

A few people have also said to me that I'm wrong in saying that(we get judged more).

The reality is that if you're a Mum in your late twenties, you can take a walk into town without getting stared at, people might stop & tell you your baby's cute, they'll let you past on the pavement & chat to you whilst you're having a coffee...

For a teenage mum it isn't like that- Some will walk down the street & get verbal abuse thrown at them from every direction, people will purposely get into their way, they'll look down their noses at your baby & whisper 'i feel sorry for her'. 

They don't see past the young physique.. they automatically 'assume'. 

& I don't see why. 

Most of the people who judge don't realize that they're not just affecting the Mum, they're affecting the child. If the Mum is upset- the child picks up on it, if the Mum starts to isolate herself away from the bullies, the baby is affected.

Before you judge- ask me my story. <3

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.

Thanks for reading! :)