Reflecting..

Christmas and new years always makes me reflect.. on the year we've had. What went well, what didn't.
So I thought I'd share 5 main points from this year- good and bad!

1- We moved into our own home. This was a BIG change for us, but a very welcome one. After living in a shared house for a year and a half with a baby/toddler, it was needed! A new house meant we could make our own routine, healthier food choices, and meant we had freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted. A downside- ALL of the housework is down to us.. boooo!

2- Triston lost 2 jobs within the space of 3 months. This was a hard time for us, financially we made decisions that weren't great (we have sorted them now thank God) and we weren't able to do the things we used to enjoy. It sent my depression on a downward spiral and I needed my medication UPPING :( Although it did give us some much needed time together. .

3- I started Slimming World! This was a huge step for me.. I was so unconfident before and my weight spiraled out of control. I reached my all time heaviest and felt so ugly. Obviously not good for depression, anxiety and low self esteem. Since joining I've lost 12lbs (more if I didn't have a few naughty weeks lol) and although I can't yet notice a big change, I feel healthier in myself and am loving thd home cooking!

4- I found out I was pregnant! A big shock, but a happy one. We didn't want it to happen, precautions were in place.. but once we found out we were.. we were ecstatic. So far no affect on depression! :-) Feeling very positive..

and... 5- I continued to gain support from my followers on blogger, youtube and Facebook.. and helped people in need.. I am proud of my efforts- big and small! Depression affect- positive!

Of course, more than 5 things have happened.. but these are the ones that stood out to me!

I wish you all a Happy and healthy new year!!

pregnancy week 9!

I cant believe we're at week 9 already!
Tpday I had my first midwife appt and I am very happy with how things went.
They're pleased with how we are as teenage parents and don't think we need any support on that half which is fab!
Slimming world is still allowed as I am still 'overweight' so I can carry on which is great as I love the support I get from the group!
As for symptoms- I'm feeling fab! No symptoms as such.. just dry, horrid tasting mouth which I'm scrubbing at least 5 times a day! Eeewww!
I spoke about my PND and she is happy with my progress and will make sure I have suppprt in place if need be but for now I'm feeling happier than I've ever been!
Alyssas really getting used to a baby being inside me and keeps kissing and stroking 'baby baby' haha!
Christmas is soon here and I am so excited! :) There will be a separate post just after Christmas telling you all about it!
I can't believe how much things have changed since Alyssas pregnancy..

Look at this fab pink maternity notes book I have- it used to be a blue pouch!

Tata for now anyway, a quick post but hope you enjoyed. X

Pregnancy, week 7!

After weeks of tests, scans and what not.. we found out that baby is fine!
Such a relief!
So today I am 7+6 weeks pregnant and I'm feeling great!
Morning sickness has subsided, and I'm managing to beat the pregnancy exhaustion by napping whilst Alyssa naps!

On Friday, however, we were involved in a car crash.
I developed cramping and backache. The hospital checked my blood pressure which was obviously high due to stress but they wouldnt check baby for me as I wasn't losing blood :/
The pains have stopped now so we're feeling quite positive.

Alyssa took the brunt of the emotional impact and hasn't slept properly since.. so we have appointments for her this week to help.

That's all for this week, as the pregnancy develops there will be more but we have nothing else to report on now! :-)

Pregnancy diary- Update 1!

Well, this week has been a rollercoaster.. that infact I never want to ride again.

on Monday, I started feeling unwell. On Tuesday, I saw an emergency doctor and was diagnosed with a severe Urine Infection, however the test also showed something else.... HCG! These are hormones pregnant women produce! She was worried about the pain I was having down one side of my body, and the fact I was losing spots of blood, so phoned the hospital for advice. Because I was taking the Pill, they were concerned that I was having an ectopic pregnancy, so filled my head with information and sent me home, with a appointment for a scan on the Thursday. Going home knowing that not only my baby's but my life was at risk too was horrible, and the next two days were awful with emotions running everywhere!

Thursday came round and I was feeling positive, the blood had gone aswell as the pain. We waited in a room full of happy pregnant women for the scan and my tummy was in knots! During the rather uncomfortable scan, the sonogropher looked worried. There was no sign of baby at all! She sent me out and we were called in to speak to a doctor. She said that I would need blood tests for the next couple of days to measure my hormones..

SO the next two days were spent having blood tests until we got the results on Saturday evening. My hormones had not only doubled, but almost quadrupled! Meaning baby was fine, and there is a possibility I could be carrying a multiple pregnancy!

So this week has been a bit pants, but we ended on good news and although this wasn't planned, we are feeling blessed to be carrying baby no.2!

As for symptoms, Im doing okay. A bit tired, sicky.. but nothing major to report on! :D

We have another scan on Thursday to see if baby will show it's face!

Here is a test we did after the doctor told us I was pregnant.. dark right?

Slimming world!

Three weeks ago I took the plunge and joined a local slimming world group! I was completely nervous, and didn't know what to expect, but when I got in there everyone was so friendly and understanding. I realised that we were all there for the same reason- to lose weight. So this is the start of my weight loss journey. On my first weigh in, I weighed 15 stone 6. Second, 15 stone 1.5lbs, and my third, 14 stone 13.

I will be posting weekly updates, recipe ideas and of course, my general blogging too! Enjoy :-)

Missing in action! An update.

I feel so awful looking back on my posts and leaving you all in the dark. I haven't posted in a while and to be truthful, I don't think I've needed to. I've been so busy.. busy being happy! :')

So for a while now I've been feeling amazing, and I stupidly made the mistake of taking myself off of my medication. Three whole weeks off and I was feeling amazing, full of energy, happy and carefree. Until I woke up struggling to walk, heart palpitations, hot and cold sweats, headache, dizziness and generally very lethargis..

Silly old me got medication withdrawal! I felt sooo pants and a bit disheartened BUT I didn't cry, I went into the kitchen and got out my meds and took one 20mg dosage.. less than normal but I hoped it would help.

For two weeks now I have been taking 20mg, and at my next doctors app on Friday I will be talking about slowly lowering further and weaning off. For five+ weeks now I've managed on none or a smaller dose of tablets, Triston lost his job.. I was fine, I was ill and felt fine, the house has been a mess and ive felt fine.

I've built up the confidence to start slimming world and am one week in and feeling fab so that's a plus too.

I am super proud although I now know to walk before I can run sorta thing. So yes, that is where I have been hiding.. in a land of happiness and fun and laughter and just pure bliss!!

#depressionisntweakness♥

I get knocked down- but I get up again.

Wow. What a crazy couple of weeks. Stress from Triston losing his job sent me off on one of the worst breakdowns yet. I was so lost, confused, angry. I didn't want to be here. I didn't leave the house, I didn't get dressed.. I sat indoors like a hermit. I wondered why we were here. To be let down, disappointed.. to then die and it all be over. Morbid I know. I couldn't focus on the good things inbetween, the happiness, memories, love and laughter. Nothing could cheer me up and I spent days crying and sleeping. Waking, crying, sleeping.. waking, crying, sleeping. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to face the world that had left me feeling this way. All in all: I didn't want to be here at all.

My family were my rock. Well, Triston and my Mum. They forced me to get dressed, to put make up on, to tidy the house or to go to the park. They made me realise why I need to beat this. They made me see that light again. They reassured me, comforted me, showed me the positives, iliminated the negatives. They made everything feel okay again.

Without them, I'm not even sure if I would still be here right now. And that scares me. Every knock back sends me lower and lower each time.

Depression is a monster!

TODDLER FUN- Pizza Making. 06/08/2013.

Today Alyssa helped make her own dinner. Or 'ninner' as she calls it.
We found a simple Pizza dough recipe and decided homemade Pizzas were on the menu tonight.
With Alyssa stripped down to her nappy, hands washed and nails scrubs.. we sat her on the worktops and got started. 
Making the dough was messy and sticky, but she loved it & I really think she enjoyed being praised. She looked so independant! Once the dough was done, and Alyssa was scrubbed once more, we set out shaping and topping our Pizzas. We chose Chorizo, Green Giant Corn, Cheese and Pineapple chunks to top with, along with Garlic and Chilli infused Tomato Puree for the basing.

Alyssa loved sprinkling(AND NIBBLING) the cheese and arranging it on the base.

20 minutes in the oven and they were done. The smell was amazing, the dough spongy, yet thin and floppy with a crispy crust. We did good! :D

When we brought in the Pizza to Alyssa, she looked so happy. I think she recognised it from the earlier Pizza she helped decorate, and looked super proud of herself whilst getting stuck into eating it!

Here are a few piccies:

Anxiety is blergh!

Friday 2nd August 2013.

I had been looking forward to this day for about a week! I was going to meet some old school friends in the town centre for a big catch up. I was so ready for some time being a 'teenager' and not 'mummy' first. Alyssa was dropped down to my Mum and I put on my best outfit(Basically the one without baby food down it, one that was clean and freshly ironed lol) and did my hair and makeup and I was ready to go. I kissed Triston goodbye and went to the front door. This was it.

I was supposed to be happy, excited.. yet I couldn't bring myself to open the door.

I could feel the tears welling up. Triston stood there looking at me like what's the problem? 

I was scared, anxious.. I didn't want to leave. I told him I was tired, I wasn't feeling well, I was scared.

He looked at me & I started shaking.. why wasn't I happy? I should've been ecstatic. One of my friends I hadn't seen in 7 months! Why did my anxiety flare up now?

I'm not sure what I was anxious or scared about.. them seeing me knowing what's wrong with me, seeing how much weight I've gained, or going it alone.. not being used to going without Triston or Alyssa by my side, or whether it was the fear of not fitting in anymore. I wanted to stay home and be a mum. I couldn't switch off. I knew as soon as I stepped out the door I was a free teenager, and I couldn't bring myself to it.

So anyway, after ten minutes of discussing, Triston realized I needed a push- literally. He pushed me out the front door, kissed my head and said 'Have fun princess'.

It was the push I needed. He accepted that I needed time out, so why couldn't I?

I got to my friends house as her mum was lifting us into town, and I let my shoulders go. I was free.

 Free from the anxiety I had ten minutes ago, free from the 'family life'. I was teenager Tamar again.

I laughed at teenager-y things, chattered like a school girl and smiled at the memories we brought up.

In town the first half an hour I felt anxious, I closed up and barely said anything, but I think my friends noticed and they made me feel comfortable.

The rest of the day was amazing, we reminisced, messed around, shopped and relaxed, chatting about our busy lives. They spoke about sixth form, I spoke about carpets and curtains.. but they didn't care. They are truly amazing. They laughed at my not really funny mummy jokes and I laughed at their tales of boys and coursework.. It was like the old times again.

I know I can beat this, one step at a time.. It is taking longer than I imagined, but I will get there. With amazing friend and amazing family, I will finally be able to say.. I KICKED DEPRESSION'S BUTT!

DEPRESSION UPDATE. 17 months on.

So it is roughly 17 months on since I 'got' depression, and almost a year since I finally got help. 

I am on the same amount of medication since, it has not been highered nor lowered.

In myself, I feel I am happier.. however, my anxities are still causing havoc & I feel I haven't got over that just yet. As for my OCD, I feel that has gone completely.. and I am happy about that, however, I think I am over the OCD because the depression has taken control and is making me less motivated to be so obsessive over things.. so it's good but bad too.

I am coping daily by focusing on what NEEDS to be done and not what HAS to. I am trying to pull myself away from negative people too, and that seems to have helped. 

Planning for the future is working aswell, we're talking about house decor, a car, job possibilities for myself etc.. So that's great. :)

In terms of the support I'm getting, it's still going strong.. however I think people are thinking I should be over this by now.. so aren't being as aware of my needs. If only they knew how long it took to 'get over' depression, and I hope they realise the truth soon, as it can take a long time and I don't want to go without any support for that long.

My doctor has been great and we've spoken about certain diets I can use to make myself more body confident, aswell as exercise plans made to make you feel happier(Endorphins and what not). So I am feeling more positive about myself after losing a couple of pounds and I feel less like I need to eat to make me happy.

Overall, things are going well. They are heading in the right direction. Sometimes, I get knocked down, but I am finally strong enough to pull myself back up again.

Thanks for reading, bye for now. x

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.

Thoughts and feelings of the day- 28th July.

Why do people feel the need to be horrible & bitchy? Why can't they stand to see others happy? Why do they say they dislike someone, but still go out od their way to be nasty and to spy on them?... why, why, why?

We only have one life, why would you want to spend it losing friends? Being horrible & upsetting people?

Especially when they know what you might be going through.

Fair enough, not everyone can be friends.. but you leave it as that.. 'not friends'.

You don't continue to be horrible and bitch and moan about them.

If I dislike someone then that's it, I don't think about them and get on with my life.. but it's hard to keep calm when someone's constantly on your back being nasty.

There is NO need for bullies.

MY LABOUR & BIRTH STORY.

On Sunday the 12th of February I didn't feel my baby move. I was one day overdue and very anxious about why she wasn't wriggling. Throughout the whole of my pregnancy she was always on the go. Wriggling, kicking, sticking her limbs in my ribs. I thought something was seriously wrong. For peace of mind I went to the Maternity unit for a heart trace to make sure she was still breathing. The trace came back fine and said I was having irregular contractions.. however I still could not feel the movements, nor the contractions. The doctors decided to give me a Stretch and Sweep, just to ease my worries. Upon doing this, they told me I was 2cm and ready to drop. 
With Triston by my side I headed home to await the arrival of our baby girl.
That night I woke with awful back ache, and pains across my stomach. I didn't know what labour felt like, obviously as a first time mum. & I wasn't too informed of 'period pains' either as I had never suffered them before.. So I went on to do my Paper round and go for a walk to town with Triston.
On the Monday afternoon, things were getting more painful and I was sure it was time.. Arriving at the hospital expecting my baby to arrive, I was still only 2cm and having irregular contractions. I was sent home to 'rest' and have a wriggle on my birthing ball.

That night I did not sleep, the pains were intense but manageable without pain relief and I wanted my baby more than ever.

Tuesday came and again, I did my paperround and went for a walk.. I was tired at this point having no sleep, and desperate for things to progress. We went to town and brought Fresh Pineapple, and I spent the day on the birthing ball eating.. again in lots of pain.

That night things started picking up and I was struggling to breath through the contractions. Triston was timing and eventually at 2 in the morning, they hit 3 minutes apart. We phoned my Mum to pick us up and off we went to the hospital.

The midwives looked at me as if to say 'Ergh, not her again.. you're not in labour so go home'. I demanded an internal examination.. by this time I had missed two nights sleep and was in agony.

What happened next was a shock, to us all and my emotions started kicking in. I thought I was going to meet my baby girl. The internal examination showed that I was 8cm dilated.. Too far dilated for a water birth. They informed me that my baby would be in my arms within a couple of hours.

For 8.5 hours we waited in the small delivery room. In and out of the bathroom and the ward. Not once did I sit down, apart from the on the birthing ball. Triston and my mum were tired, and we were all impatient.. Stuffing our faces with sweeties and hot chocolate, trying to stay awake. Why was my daughter being a pain, she 'should' have been here according to the doctors. At 11:00 another internal examination showed that I was finally at 10cm and ready to push. This is where the Gas and Air came in.. At first it was great, but I went light headed and thought I was going to pass out. I had to give it up, and go it alone. 

After an hour and twent three minutes of pushing, with my Mum, Triston, The Midwife and Student Midwife by my side, Alyssa-Mae Lillian Sedgwick entered the world. I was so excited, relieved, tired.. and scared. The doctors were rushing around, worried about the blood loss. I had torn internally and externally and was losing a lot of blood. Alyssa was in my arms and I didn't even focus on what was happening at the end of the bed. Deep down, beyond the worry, I was exstatic, over the moon. My precious Rainbow baby was here. 

The doctors were amazing and managed to stitch me up without having to have full on surgery.

Everyone was crying with happiness, including the student midwife.. she had just helped deliver her first ever baby! :')
Alyssa was weighed and we found out she was a perfect 7lbs 8oz.

We were discharged the next day after a 24 hour observation due to Alyssa inhaling Macconium(sp). But  all was well and we were thrown into life as a family of three. :)

In labour, listening to Justin Bieber!!

First born cuddles :)

Finally going home!

Diary post #1

(I feel ever so crazy doing this.. but my doctor said writing a diary will help.. and I thought you might be interested in reading it too.)

Dear diary,
Today has been a good day. The sun makes me so happy. I felt confident in a strappy vest top, which is a hugeeee difference to how I was before. I have been relaxed and smiley.

We took a picnic to the park and played in the river with Alyssa! :-) She absolutely loved it and seeing her happy makes me happy.

I've not thought about anything bad.. and looked at the best of situations.. including Alyssa running in the road(I'd normally think oh lord that's dreadful- but today I understood that now she has done it, I was able to tell her off and let her know it's dangerous).

Making the best of situations isn't easy for me, so am feeling very proud.

That's all for now! Not much to report on from today.

Tata for now. ♡

Saturday is caption day. #SatCap

The real sleeping beauty. :0)

Not ready..

So on Wednesday I had a breakdown. My depression had got the better of me and took my motivation. The house was a mess from this.. and then my OCD reared it's ugly head. I'm sure they work together to bug me!! Anyway, I was very tearful, stressed and upset.. all because I missed some medication. I then realised that I am not ready for my medication to be lowered. I am scared and feel that I'll go off of tracks. I was so pleased before.. but it seems to have got on top of me. I am a bit gutted that I I won't be having them lowered, after trying so hard, but I know I need to stay on them for the safety of myself and the people around me.. also for the sanity! There's plenty of time for it to happen, just not now. In September it will be a year since diagnosis.. and for people to get that far is a big achievment.. not many are off of meds by then.. so maybe I was being a bit too optimistic. I am looking forward to seeing my doctor and telling her my feelings.. although I have lots of people to talk to, it's nice talking to someone who doesn't know me.. it's like they don't have to help.. they purely want to(even though they get paid lol).

 So, I guess that for now.. I need my happy pills.. but ONE DAY I will beat this!!

silent sunday :)

House and depression update!

, we are all moved in to our new house.. and things are going great! Moving house with a toddler had it's challenges, but I managed to stay stress free and we're finally settled in. Life is somewhat different now.. more relaxed but structured. We have developed a steady routine and I believe that is what has made me how I am today... happy, relaxed and carefree! THAT'S RIGHT.. I have a hinch that I am on the road to recovery..speeding ahead from the 'dead end' I was on. I have a meeting with my doctor on the third to discuss weaning me off of my medication.. I'm feeling positive about this now, rather than nervous. :)

1. Alyssa is growing fast now.. sixteen monthsngoing on sixteen years. She has developed a right little character and makes me laugh everyday! A perfect help to my recovery.

 That's all for today.. but I will be back! :)

A litle ramble about our day! :)

We're linked up with Theoliversmadhouse. Click the badge below for more #magicmoments posts :)



Wow! I never knew how exhausting things would get once Alyssa started walking! We spent 2.5 hours walking around town & visiting two parks & then having to climb the huuuge hill to get home & I am cream crackered! Alyssa, however, got home & danced around the sitting room & then took 'Ted' for a walk around the house in her stroller. How does she have the energy?

We chased the Ducks & Pigeons today & added two new words to Alyssa's ever improving Vocab- Bumbum & duck! :') 

It's amazing how much toddlers learn each day. At 14 months she's so intelligent & my heart swells with pride when I see her do something new!

So here are three of my favourite pictures of our outing today.. I hope you enjoy them!

She loves the swings!

'Let me out!'

Having a wonder! :)

Our beautiful baby is WALKING! :')

So around three weeks ago, Lissy took her 'first steps' this was 6 steps from mummy to daddy & then landing on her bum in fits of giggles. Since then, she has had NO confidence what-so-ever & didn't take anymore steps, or even attempt to. She has never stood alone for more than 30 seconds either. 

So yesterday, when we were totally unexpecting it.. Alyssa decided to confidently trot across the front room, stop in the middle to have a look around & carry on across over to me.. WHERE did this come from? 

I was so shocked, she looked so confident- like she had been doing it for ages! :O

Well, since then.. there's been no stopping her, she's been running around, holding hands with her friend at playgroup, running around the park, the house.. she's super speedy! :')

Due to medical problems, I was a late walker & find it difficult to walk still at 17 years old. I always had doubts in my mind, & thought Alyssa may have the same thing as me.. but it seems if she has, she's not letting it stop her walk & run like all of her friends.

Triston & myself are soo proud of her, but life is now going to be 10x more hectic. With a house move in two days, a walking baby.. & a complete change of routine.. when I write my next post, I may have 2000 grey hairs & wrinkles all over my face!
Hahahahaha.

Anyway, here's a quick clip of Alyssa walking up the street & stroking ou r cat. Enjoy! :)

SILENT SUNDAY.

Me & my beautiful Alyssa. :)

The A-Z of being a Teenage Parent. :)

A- Always listen to your heart!

B- Babies are hard work- it's not a decision to take lightly(becoming a teen parent)

C- Co-operate with health visitors/doctors etc. They will be able to support you. :)

D- Don't listen to the people who judge you, only you know if you're a good parent.

E- Energy is one of the positives of being a teen parent.. Use it to your advantage & keep your child entertained.

F- Friends will come & go, but family will stick by you no matter what.

G- Groups- join as many as you can, it can sometimes be lonely without them & it's a good opportunity for you & baby.

H- Hold your head up high- don't let people put you down.

I- Involve your friends in day to day life- they might not understand what you're going through so may back off a bit.

J- Just be yourself- don't try to be a parent that you're not. 

K- Kicking & Screaming- toddlers can be a handful- remember they don't stay babies for long! It's not all about pushing prams & dressing them up.

L- Love them- it's as simple as that.

M- Meet new people- parents are the best people to meet, they know exactly what you might be going through!

N- Negativity- there will be negativity, it's to be expected, just block it out.

O- Opinions- Some people may have bad opinions of you & will tell you to your face, you're a Parent now- be the mature one & walk away.. so what if they don't like you? Just one less horrible person in your life! :)

P- Pace yourself- babies aren't babies for long, don't rush away the early years by keeping busy. Enjoy them.

Q- Question... Never question yourself, if you have made a decision, you've more or likely made the right one.

R- Reality- Look up the Pros & Cons of teen pregnancy before making a decision- reality is, you'd probably change your mind after reading the 'cons'.

S- Support your partner- they might be going through a difficult time.

T- Take time off from being a parent, a bubble bath, a walk down the street- anything is good for some 'me time'.

U- Understand- understand your babies needs.. else things could get messy!

V- Vent when you can, don't hold things in!

W- Walking is good for low parent moods, & good for baby too!

X- Xterminateeeeeee! -You WILL have to put up with annoying programmes! (Doctor Who!!)

Y- Yellow- Sometimes life is perfect, sunny & yellow. But sometimes it isn't.. & it becomes cloudy & grey.. Know how to control negative moods.

Z- Zoo- Make memories with your family, photographs & diaries are a great way of capturing day to day life.. or even trips out!

So there we are, my A-Z of being a teen parent. 26 tips for anyone considering being a teen parent, or for those who already are. :)

What is depression? In my eyes.

When I think of depression, I think of a monster. Just a green blob, with googly eyes & a dribbly mouth. A male. He is tiny, but can do a lot of damage. He sits in your head, amongst the cells of your brain. He sends out nasty messages, a tiny blob, but a big factor for someone's life. 

His outlook is to put you down, doubt yourself, he wants a friend. He doesn't want you to go out & talk to others. He wants you to himself.

He suffocates you- suffocates you with negativity, he's trying to get you into his frame of mind.

He places hurdle after hurdle infront of you, hoping you will stumble & listen to him.

He sends you horrible thoughts, to make you turn on everyone. He wants you to himself.

IF he sucseeds, he takes you in.. you listen to him & believe what he tells you. 

But.. If you manage to stay strong, you will beat him. He will get bored, & he will realize that you don't want to be his friend & that he has no place in your mind anymore.

He will go, elsewhere, & you will be free again.

The big move! :D

Soooo, yesterday we got the keys to our new home! Today we've been in cleaning up the dust that the kitchen & bathroom fitters left everywhere, & also decorating Alyssa's room & tomorrow Alyssa is going to her Godmother's house, so we can paint the hallway & our bedroom! & also do Alyssa's bedroom floors! :')

We just need to find a sofa & an oven from somewhere & we'll be all set to move in! I can't wait!

The house is gorgeous, two beds, new fitted kitchen & bathroom, lovely wooden flooring, huge rooms & a balcony that catches the sun amazingly! 

I cannot wait to have our own home. Friends can come over, & we can finally have our own routine, rather than a shared one!

If you don't see me post for a little while, it's because we still need to set internet up & I'll be busy decorating/moving & enjoying our new home for a little while! :)

Life is a rollercoaster, you've just got to sit it out & ride the waves.

Just a little rant of mine!
One thing my depression has taught me, is that no matter what mental state you're in, life is always a rollercoaster. You can be healthy, unhealthy, depressed, not depressed, rich, poor, skinny, fat, male, female, young, old. Everyone experiences a wave of emotions & problems in their lifetime. I've seen that a lot of people that don't have depression don't like to talk about their problems, they think people will tell them to shut up moaning. I think that's wrong. I've never seen someone who has been diagnosed with depression put something out there & then have people tell them to stop moaning. So why should those without depression be told to stop? TALKING about your problems helps a whole lot. I've learnt that on my journey through PND. Getting people to listen to you & understand what you're going through HELPS. 

So why, if you're not medically ill, are you not allowed to complain about life, or talk about your problems? 

Mentally stable people have problems too & as much as I appreciate the support I get personally, I feel sorry for those who don't.. simply because people say 'it's life'.. yet feel that a depressed person would be offended by that, so let them complain.

LET PEOPLE TALK! Before it's too late & depression takes over, let them tell you how they're feeling, let them whine & moan.. let them complain & talk about their problems, you might not realize it, but 'normal' people can have just as many emotions whizzing around as someone who's depressed!

MY TWO FAVOURITE PEOPLE! :D

Alyssa-Mae Lillian Sedgwick: 15/02/2012.
Triston Adam Sedgwick: 15/03/1992. <3

Our own family home!

Today we have been offered our first, family home. A two bedroom maisonette in a local village. Located next to an Infant & Junior school, a shop, post office, Church & playpark! We have a large communal garden, & I already know our nextdoor neighbour. My bestfriend- Alyssa's Godmother lives five minutes around the corner & my mum too!

I am excited, yet anxious. I know having our own space will be better for my depression, but this is both mine & Triston's first time living without our parents & it's a big step to take, luckily we have each other & the most supportive families ever!

I can't wait to decorate & be able to get ourselves into our own routine, follow our own meal plan etc. Living in a shared house now, it's difficult, although I am so very greatful to my Stepdad who had taken us on & shared his home with us.

It will be sad to go, as I have lived in that house for 11/12 years, but a fresh beginning is what we all need! :')

My blogger may not be updated much for the next couple of months, as we find our way & sort out internet etc.. but I'm sure when we're settled, it will be filled with updates & pictures of our first ever home.

This time last year I never thought I'd be where I am now, I never even thought I'd be anywhere to be honest. But here I am happy & moving on with my life & leaving the depression behind!

To anyone suffering, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! YOU CAN & YOU WILL GET THERE. Keep strong. <3


Thanks for all of your support & I hope to be writing to you all very soon!

Remember..

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.

Coming off my medication.

My next appointment with the GP is in June, & she will be re-assessing me to see if I can have my medication lowered. But I'm starting to get scared already. Right now, everything's going well. I'm feeling positive, the bad days are less frequent & I'm much more confident. Alyssa & I are bonding well, & my relationship with Triston is booming. But what if it goes downhill if my meds are lowered? I don't even want to risk it.. but I don't want to rely on the medication forever & be known as 'the girl who has her emotions controlled by tablets' sorta thing? :S It's a really big step to take, & I shouldn't even be thinking about it right now, but I am.. Does that mean that when the time comes I'm gonna freak out even more? 

I'm happy now, yes.. but what if that's only because of the medication? I never even want to be anywhere near the low I was in before I told the doctors.. & if I have it lowered, then there's always that chance. 

I don't want to go through it all again.. :/

& future babies? What if it isn't lowered, but then when we decide the time is right for another baby, what if I'm still not ready really? If I think I am, but I'm not? I want to be able to know my own feelings, produced by my own thoughts, not with the help of some silly tablets! :(

Life before Parenthood.

If you know me, you will know how I was before I became a parent. To lots I was the geeky girl, the one who didn't care about her clothes, her hair, her make-up, the one who listened in lessons & handed her homework in on time, the overweight girl, who couldn't play catch or handstands with the others in the playground. I was shy & quiet, & kept myself to myself. I didn't want people to stare, or talk about me, I went red in awkward situations, like being told off by the teacher, I would cry if I got a detention. Me? I was  the girl with the Backpack instead of the handbag, the knee length skirt & shirt tucked in, instead of the lycra skirt & tight fitting top. I lumped about the school hall in Gymnastics, & panted as we ran a short distance in PE. I was the girl who sucked up to the teachers. I would let people walk all over me, & I wasn't really happy.

I had friends, who are still my friends now. But even they weren't 'like me'. 

I would hang out at the park with my friends, or making up dance routines in the kitchen to old songs, whilst others were talking about hot boy bands, I was talking about last night's homework. 

As the years in Secondary school passed by, I didn't want to be that girl anymore. But I didn't want to be like the rest. 

I didn't want to party, or go to Uni, I didn't want to travel the world either. I got more & more interested in children(In a non-pervy way). I took on Health & Social Care lessons & watched programmes about family life & babies. I found a new me, a me who was dying inside to be a Mum. To have someone to care for, forever. To have someone to love. I had been let down in the past by my Dad, & practically all my family members died within the space of 3 years. I had my Mum, but she had her own troubles, & I didn't want to hassle her. I wanted someone that would love me, & never leave me. I wanted someone to be able to be proud of me, & to accept me for who I was.

I wanted my very own bundle of joy, that I could watch grow & develop & know that I created it. I wanted to do the household chores, the cooking, the messy play etc. I didn't want to go to concerts, or to get drunk on the weekends, I wanted a baby.

I wasn't silly enough to just have a baby with anyone though. I knew that a baby wasn't a thing to just pop out & have. I knew that I needed to be with someone I loved, & I thought about everything beforehand. Money, lifestyle, school/education etc. & although Alyssa wasn't planned, I knew deep down the consequences of not protecting ourselves, & I let that happen.

Despite the ups & the downs, I much prefer my life now. Being a Mummy definitely is the best thing in the world! 

My Mum is my rock.

When I first found out I was pregnant, apart from myself & Triston, my Mum was the first to know. I knew in my heart that as much as she would be disappointed, she would stand by me as much as she could. 

My Mum & I have a great relationship & we're very much the same in a lot of ways. When she still lived with me, we argued a lot.. just like teenagers & mums do, but I think we're closer now we have our own spaces. We're just so alike I reckon we just clashed, as she wanted the best for me.

Throughout my pregnancy my Mum was my rock. She told me what to expect, came with me to appointments, formed an amazing bond with my unborn baby & was there for me whenever I needed her! She gave up her time to look after me, & take me to the hospital, midwife apps etc. Not once did she doubt me or my choices & I thank her for that. She was shocked & a little disappointed that I was pregnant- but not once told me I was making the wrong choice, or that I would fail at being a Mum. She told me my options, but never actually said which one she'd prefer- she let me decide everything to do with my baby, & that's what I love about her! 

She was there throughout the labour & I couldn't have done it without her. I wanted both her & Triston there, Triston because it's his daughter & my partner, I wouldn't have wanted it differently- & my mum for lots of reasons. I wanted her to be proud of me.. I wanted her to see her beautiful Grandaughter that she helped prepare for so much, enter the world & most of all I wanted her reassurance, as much as Triston told me I would be okay, my Mum had been there herself. She had delivered me, exactly how I was going to deliver my baby. We had a special announcement to make too- naming Alyssa-Mae Lillian with Lillian being my Mum's mum's name. We knew it would be special for her & that it would be even more special if we could tell her when the emotions were still running high.

A lot of people assume that my Mum didn't like it, or didn't want to support me. But she was/is totally opposite. She is an amazing Nanna & gives her all to support our little family. She has her annoying moments(FEEDING ALYSSA CHOCOLATE IN NICE CLEAN CLOTHES- LOL) But she's so supportive & loving. & Alyssa loves her more than anything. 

I wouldn't have been able to go on this journey without her- she's been there to support me, advise me, reassure me, trust me, teach me & most of all love me.

I may have a daughter myself-  but I will always be my Mummy's girl. :)

I wish the best for my Mum, she hasn't had it easy.. & I hate seeing her sad, but now I am almost a woman(lol) & it will be time for me to make sure she's okay.. & I look forward to be able to help her along & support her in the way she's supported me! 

I wanted to write this as although I tell her I love her, I find it awkward telling her how thankful & greatful I am for her.. :)

I LOVE YOU MUM.. <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Update #2. Feb 2013.

Update on my feelings: The last couple of weeks have been a total rollercoaster of emotions & I think today it just hit me. Gearing up for Alyssa's first birthday was emotional, but then having her in hospital 3-4 times, on her birthday & over her birthday weekend made it 10x worse. Seeing your baby poorly & not knowing how to help is the worst thing, & it brought back all of the horrible thoughts that I was a bad Mum. Because of the hospital trips, we were all exhausted & the housework was lacking.. This wasn't really a problem, until today. I have glandular fever/tonsilitus & it's the worst pain ever. The housework needed doing & I needed to get ready for my Parenting course.. but I couldn't see past the mess & told myself I couldn't go to my course- I had to stay home & tidy. I am proud of myself- because I took some time out in the bathroom & told myself that I can leave the mess for the other people in our house to tidy & I can go to my course & relax. It's not often I will think about myself first, but I did today & I came home to a tidy house all thanks to my amazing fiance, Triston! As much as people slate him, he really is a gem. He's been my biggest rock throughout this journey & without him, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. I had a PND & OCD check up last week & although I'm doing well, they want to keep me on my medication for at least another four months(Until June) before thinking about lowering my dosage & then gradually coming off of them in time for Christmas 2013. I think that's a good idea- I hadn't had a breakdown for four weeks(Until today) but I don't feel 'ready' in myself to stop them altogether. I think we need our own place, & our own routine to get into before I can go it alone again.

A little window into my thinking: Aswell as thinking about finding a house, thinking about Alyssa, Triston, the weekly food shop, playgroups, housework etcetc.. I as a Mum have to remember to take my medication, have to write down the days of my breakdowns, keep a record of my feelings, have check ups with doctors, aswell as having all the emotions of being a Mum with PND & OCD whizzing around my head day in day out. I have to forcefully tell myself NOT to wash up straight away, I have to walk away from the toys on the floor.. Most parents would take the opportunity to relax with a cup of tea when the baby is napping- not me, I feel guilty for having the 'me time' & tidy up Alyssa's mess, or get activities ready for when she awakens. This makes the job of being a Mum ten times harder, but somehow I'm coping & Alyssa is thriving.

Alyssa's 12 month update: At 12 months she is now sitting, rolling, crawling & cruising, standing unaided for a minute at a time, eating with a fork/spoon, recognizing ducks and saying quack, recognizing cats & saying cat, woofing at the dog, can turn the pages of her story books, sort shapes in her shape sorter, say 'Mum/mama/mummy, Dad/dada/daddy, nana/nanny, grandad, woof, cat, up, hot, tah & yeah.. aswell as lots of gobbly-goop! :) She can climb the stairs with us behind her & can get into her pram by herself. She now tells us when she's ready for bed by going to the stairgate, rattling it & shouting 'Up'. She is on 3 meals a day, with snacks between & is a healthy weight of 20lbs 4oz.. & a loooooongggg 76cm in height! She's fitting nicely in 12-18 month clothes & her hair is now able to fit into headbands & clips! :') She makes me smile everyday with her crazy dancing & the way she'll come & snuggle again, like when she was tiny!

Relationship update: Triston proposed to me on our two year anniversary & things are going great. We're both happy & as 'in love' as we were on the day we first started seeing each other.. but even more so. We're spending more time together now that I can leave the mess for a little while & my new relaxed approach means cuddles don't irritate me as much- which has meant lots of nights snuggled infront of a movie. We're talking to each other lots about our feelings- which is great because we can deal with any issues in a relaxed manner! :) He's working extra hard to provide for us & to be a great Daddy & Partner.. & he has been so amazing! :D On Friday we're taking our first trip to the City Hall to see Comedy Magicians perform- which we're both looking forward to. .& making a date night out of it! :) All in all, we're completely in love & have a very happy & healthy relationship.


I hope you enjoyed this blog.. & look forward to writing for you all again soon!

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS. x

Update. :D

It's been over three weeks since my last breakdown & I'm feeling very positive. Spending lots of time with my family & friends has really helped me cope. We've started playgroup- which I would have never been able to deal with a couple of months ago, & we're possibly a few months away from getting our very own place! :)

I've had a few people tell me that I ramble too much about my depression & that I'm doing it for attention. How anyone can think that I'm making myself go through this complete rollercoaster of feelings for 'attention' I don't know. But I guess they'll never know, they're happy.. they wake up feeling fine, they don't have worries.. & until they know how it feels, they can't really judge me.

It's almost Alyssa's first birthday(two weeks today) & I'm getting quite emotional just thinking about it. One whole year we've managed to survive. 

We were chucked into this crazy new life, filled with dirty nappies, tantrums, teething, odd sleeping patterns, but most of all, unconditional love & pride! I think we've managedvery well, considering we're young & we've had personal battles to overcome. & I hope that one day Alyssa can tell us that's she's proud of us.

Through the eyes of a teenage Mum, a lot of things aren't simple. Teenage hormones, mixed with pre-natal hormones are an awful chemical mixture.. & sometimes it's just a matter of time before it all gets out of hand. Although we're a lot like any first time Mum, we get judged more.

A few people have also said to me that I'm wrong in saying that(we get judged more).

The reality is that if you're a Mum in your late twenties, you can take a walk into town without getting stared at, people might stop & tell you your baby's cute, they'll let you past on the pavement & chat to you whilst you're having a coffee...

For a teenage mum it isn't like that- Some will walk down the street & get verbal abuse thrown at them from every direction, people will purposely get into their way, they'll look down their noses at your baby & whisper 'i feel sorry for her'. 

They don't see past the young physique.. they automatically 'assume'. 

& I don't see why. 

Most of the people who judge don't realize that they're not just affecting the Mum, they're affecting the child. If the Mum is upset- the child picks up on it, if the Mum starts to isolate herself away from the bullies, the baby is affected.

Before you judge- ask me my story. <3

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.

Thanks for reading! :)

A day in the life. Our meals.

A lot of people assume teenage mums feed their children McDonalds & crisps all day. Being a Mum, I've found a new hobby of cooking.
Alyssa's meals today are:

Breakfast- Cornflakes with milk, cherries, cranberrys & sultanas. Beaker of water.

Lunch- Philidelphia Sandwhich, handful of raisins, 1 small Satsuma, 1 Sesame Breadstick, a few Organix Cheese & Herb puffs & a beaker of Juice.

Afternoon snack- Malted Milk biscuit & a banana.

Dinner- Quorn bolognaise with Spaghetti & a side of Vegetables.

11 months on this beautiful but crazy journey!

Yesterday, my beautiful baby girl turned 11 months old! How crazy it is! It feels like just yesterday I was in hospital, having Haribo stuffed into my mouth by Triston, listening to Justin Bieber as my Princess started her arrival. Now she's a beautiful, not so small, bundle of joy. Talking, crawling, feeding herself, pointing, clapping, waving, laughing, smiling, cuddling, climbing, dancing, growing & most importantly, sharing lots of love. She's learnt so much this past 11 months, more than you could ever imagine.. but so have I. I've learnt to love someone more than I could have ever loved before. I've learnt that life isn't about materialistic things, it's about the family, friends, love & support you get. I've learnt lots of new skills to be a mummy, patience, imagination(Especially when you've got a baby crawling around barking at the cat), I've learnt to cook, to organize, to be prepared & to live life to the full.
& as her birthday creeps forward, it's a special time for her, but also for Triston & I. It's the one year mark of our new life. A whole year into this crazy journey called parenthood. It's an achievment.. knowing our girl has grown & developed into a clever, healthy one year old!

When I was diagnosed with PND & OCD, I wasn't too sure if I would even get to this milestone, I was low & confused about what I wanted. But now everything's clear again, I was made to be a mummy, & this illness is just a little blip in my journey, nothing's perfect, life is going to throw things at you, as long as you have support & courage, you can get through anything!

I haven't had a bad day in a little while now, & I'm grateful for it. I'm focusing on the future, & looking at my beautiful family.. that's what's keeping me strong!

A day in the life.

After waking at 9:45 to the sound of Alyssa playing in the bedroom chair with her Daddy, I knew it would be somewhat a good day.
I felt refreshed & ready to beat any bad thoughts.
Triston came into bed with Alyssa, we cuddled & then he set off to work at 9:55.
Alyssa & I got out of bed & ventured downstairs.
After a quick tidy around, we started playing with her toys & I had a quick check of Facebook(To find bitchy comments to me, yet again.. will they ever stop? Silly people!)
Breakfast consisted of Weetabix, & as always a change of clothes for both Alyssa & I. Aswell as a scrub of the carpet, after Alyssa decided to fling her breakfast at Mummy!
A few nappy changes, crazy dances & cuddles on the sofa later, Alyssa decides that she wants to chase the cat around the lounge- resulting in a crying cat, & Alyssa eating a tail! Phheeeeeeww, by this time, I'm exhausted & Alyssa is too.
Baby napping, I can finally sit down with a cup of tea & get down to catching up with my blog.
Triston is due home in an hour, & I plan on making Spaghetti & meatballs for dinner(Could end up with something from the freezer if my cooking still hasn't improved(99% chance of this happening!)

Maybe a walk later, & relax for the evening. This is a good day. & I hope there's more to come!