Coming off my medication.

My next appointment with the GP is in June, & she will be re-assessing me to see if I can have my medication lowered. But I'm starting to get scared already. Right now, everything's going well. I'm feeling positive, the bad days are less frequent & I'm much more confident. Alyssa & I are bonding well, & my relationship with Triston is booming. But what if it goes downhill if my meds are lowered? I don't even want to risk it.. but I don't want to rely on the medication forever & be known as 'the girl who has her emotions controlled by tablets' sorta thing? :S It's a really big step to take, & I shouldn't even be thinking about it right now, but I am.. Does that mean that when the time comes I'm gonna freak out even more? 

I'm happy now, yes.. but what if that's only because of the medication? I never even want to be anywhere near the low I was in before I told the doctors.. & if I have it lowered, then there's always that chance. 

I don't want to go through it all again.. :/

& future babies? What if it isn't lowered, but then when we decide the time is right for another baby, what if I'm still not ready really? If I think I am, but I'm not? I want to be able to know my own feelings, produced by my own thoughts, not with the help of some silly tablets! :(

Life before Parenthood.

If you know me, you will know how I was before I became a parent. To lots I was the geeky girl, the one who didn't care about her clothes, her hair, her make-up, the one who listened in lessons & handed her homework in on time, the overweight girl, who couldn't play catch or handstands with the others in the playground. I was shy & quiet, & kept myself to myself. I didn't want people to stare, or talk about me, I went red in awkward situations, like being told off by the teacher, I would cry if I got a detention. Me? I was  the girl with the Backpack instead of the handbag, the knee length skirt & shirt tucked in, instead of the lycra skirt & tight fitting top. I lumped about the school hall in Gymnastics, & panted as we ran a short distance in PE. I was the girl who sucked up to the teachers. I would let people walk all over me, & I wasn't really happy.

I had friends, who are still my friends now. But even they weren't 'like me'. 

I would hang out at the park with my friends, or making up dance routines in the kitchen to old songs, whilst others were talking about hot boy bands, I was talking about last night's homework. 

As the years in Secondary school passed by, I didn't want to be that girl anymore. But I didn't want to be like the rest. 

I didn't want to party, or go to Uni, I didn't want to travel the world either. I got more & more interested in children(In a non-pervy way). I took on Health & Social Care lessons & watched programmes about family life & babies. I found a new me, a me who was dying inside to be a Mum. To have someone to care for, forever. To have someone to love. I had been let down in the past by my Dad, & practically all my family members died within the space of 3 years. I had my Mum, but she had her own troubles, & I didn't want to hassle her. I wanted someone that would love me, & never leave me. I wanted someone to be able to be proud of me, & to accept me for who I was.

I wanted my very own bundle of joy, that I could watch grow & develop & know that I created it. I wanted to do the household chores, the cooking, the messy play etc. I didn't want to go to concerts, or to get drunk on the weekends, I wanted a baby.

I wasn't silly enough to just have a baby with anyone though. I knew that a baby wasn't a thing to just pop out & have. I knew that I needed to be with someone I loved, & I thought about everything beforehand. Money, lifestyle, school/education etc. & although Alyssa wasn't planned, I knew deep down the consequences of not protecting ourselves, & I let that happen.

Despite the ups & the downs, I much prefer my life now. Being a Mummy definitely is the best thing in the world! 

My Mum is my rock.

When I first found out I was pregnant, apart from myself & Triston, my Mum was the first to know. I knew in my heart that as much as she would be disappointed, she would stand by me as much as she could. 

My Mum & I have a great relationship & we're very much the same in a lot of ways. When she still lived with me, we argued a lot.. just like teenagers & mums do, but I think we're closer now we have our own spaces. We're just so alike I reckon we just clashed, as she wanted the best for me.

Throughout my pregnancy my Mum was my rock. She told me what to expect, came with me to appointments, formed an amazing bond with my unborn baby & was there for me whenever I needed her! She gave up her time to look after me, & take me to the hospital, midwife apps etc. Not once did she doubt me or my choices & I thank her for that. She was shocked & a little disappointed that I was pregnant- but not once told me I was making the wrong choice, or that I would fail at being a Mum. She told me my options, but never actually said which one she'd prefer- she let me decide everything to do with my baby, & that's what I love about her! 

She was there throughout the labour & I couldn't have done it without her. I wanted both her & Triston there, Triston because it's his daughter & my partner, I wouldn't have wanted it differently- & my mum for lots of reasons. I wanted her to be proud of me.. I wanted her to see her beautiful Grandaughter that she helped prepare for so much, enter the world & most of all I wanted her reassurance, as much as Triston told me I would be okay, my Mum had been there herself. She had delivered me, exactly how I was going to deliver my baby. We had a special announcement to make too- naming Alyssa-Mae Lillian with Lillian being my Mum's mum's name. We knew it would be special for her & that it would be even more special if we could tell her when the emotions were still running high.

A lot of people assume that my Mum didn't like it, or didn't want to support me. But she was/is totally opposite. She is an amazing Nanna & gives her all to support our little family. She has her annoying moments(FEEDING ALYSSA CHOCOLATE IN NICE CLEAN CLOTHES- LOL) But she's so supportive & loving. & Alyssa loves her more than anything. 

I wouldn't have been able to go on this journey without her- she's been there to support me, advise me, reassure me, trust me, teach me & most of all love me.

I may have a daughter myself-  but I will always be my Mummy's girl. :)

I wish the best for my Mum, she hasn't had it easy.. & I hate seeing her sad, but now I am almost a woman(lol) & it will be time for me to make sure she's okay.. & I look forward to be able to help her along & support her in the way she's supported me! 

I wanted to write this as although I tell her I love her, I find it awkward telling her how thankful & greatful I am for her.. :)

I LOVE YOU MUM.. <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx