Pregnancy & baby loss. 3 years on.

On the 29th of March 2011, aged just 15 years old, I stood in my bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. I had been with my partner, Triston, since January and were very shocked to see the two strong lines! I was on work experience at a nursery school, and the prospect of becoming a mum, although scary, excited me!
We told our family the same day, it was never going to be a secret.. and our friends the day after- looking back I regret a LOT. We had worked out dates and I was roughly 7 weeks pregnant. 
In the evening of finding out, I suffered bad cramps and kept saying 'if I wasnt pregnant, I swear I'd be having a period'.. but put it down to stretching and carried on as normal. On the 2nd of April we were out with friends in a local town, shopping and having a photoshoot. The pains were getting worse, but again, I just thought it was 'normal'. Triston went off to grab some lunch whilst myself and my best friend popped into a clothes shop. As we were standing in the queue after oggling baby clothes, I felt pressure in my lower back and thought I was going to wet myself. I left her in the queue and ran to the nearest toilets, but it was too late. Blood was gushing out of me, and I was terrified. After a lovely lady gave me some wipes/pad etc and helped me clean up in the bathrooms, I found Triston and my friend and told them what had happened. Triston and I walked away for a while to come to terms sith it and buy some lady products for the journey home. We decided to stay for the photoshoot, trying not to think the worst- denial and naive :(

As we got home, and told my mum who had suffered baby loss a few times, we realised that what I was losing wasn't just 'blood' and infact it was the pregnancy ending. We went to the doctors and were rushed for an appt at the hospital for hormone testing.

We were called into a small, dark room and our worst fears were confirmed. The hormones were quickly dropping and I was losing our baby.

I didn't cry, I accepted what she was saying and said 'maybe it was the wrong time'..
For the next week I found work experience too hard to do, working with babies that I wouldn't have myself.
I didn't speak about what happened, and neither did Triston.

I remember days where I would break down, 😕 I'd hit out at Triston and shout '😯 I want my baby back'.

So that, is our baby loss story. I have never really spoken about it in detail- I guess I feel bad complaining when luckily we've been blessed with more healthy children. A lot of people say 'you never met the baby' 'you never bonded' 'it wasn't a real baby'. But it was a baby, my baby. I had the symptoms, the excitement, the plans for a new arrival- all taken away from me infront of my eyes and the worst thing was knowing I could do nothing to stop it. No medical attention would have stopped it. It was destined to happen and that broke my heart.
This year i'm finding it hard to come to terms with. As I'm expecting my '2nd 'little girl, i'll never have the memories from my 1st. I guess that's just how things happened for us, and I do believe everything happens for a reason- but sometimes you can't help but feel 'why me?'.

The importance of the great outdoors.

As an adult, sitting inside staring at the same four walls can be quite frankly, depressing. Everything looks the same, everything smells the same, and you can feel trapped. Your senses aren't stimulated and it can often make you feel alone.

For a toddler those feelings will be even worse, because of their brain development, they need stimulation 99% of the time to keep them focused, and of course to help them learn new things.

Getting outside can be beneficial for the whole family, the exercise releases endorphins (a happy hormone), the freedom means you can literally breathe freely, and the experiences it can give your children can last them a lifetime.

We live right next to the downs, so always have somewhere to go when we need some space or fresh air. There are puddles, plants, trees, birds and wildlife that the toddler can explore and learn about to get her mind and senses stimulated.

A few other outdoor places we find good are listed below! 
•The beach. The beach is great for a day out. Toddlers can use their motor skills on building and digging, collecting shells. They can learn of sea creatures, boats and water activities.
•Woodland. Woodland is great for clearing the cobwebs. You can run nature trails, or make a 'bingo' card for your toddler to spot different items (pinecones/berries/daffodils etc). It's always lovely to run off your Sunday lunch in the woods!
•Childrens playgrounds. Of course, playgrounds are amazing for keeping littlies entertained. They can learn allsorts, colours, shapes, how to climb, up/down opposites etc. And most playgrounds have a picnic bench so you can make a day of it!

Of course other benefits are that most places outdoors are free to use or very cheap! Even in a city, a walk around the block can teach your toddler a lot of things and give them the fresh air they need!

Enjoying the woodland!

Fun at the beach!

Burning off energy at the park!

Mothers day crafts with a 2 year old!

Mothers day is creeping up quickly and after staring endlessly at the generic 'best nanny' mugs, keyrings, plaques and tea coasters, I decided this year we would go for something more handmade. After all, we have a very talented 2 year old at home who LOVES getting messy!

Now if you know me, you'll know I am not creative in the slightest.. and my patience wears thin with paint and glue getting everywhere.

I had seen a few pictures of 'handprint' flowers and decided we'd give it a go.

What we used:

•Cardboard from a recycled cereal box for backing.

•Coloured paper.

•Paint and paintbrushes.

•Glue.

How we did it:

Firstly I made a 'stalk' shape out of green paper and put it to the side. We then used red paint to create three handprints onto yellow paper. Once dried, we arranged these pieces into a flower shape and stuck onto the cardboard backing (the paper was flimsy so this was necessary). I then wrote 'Nanny' down the stem and a little message on the leaf saying happy mothers day. Of course, Alyssa was covered in paint by this time so she continued printing hwr hands on scrap paper whilst I cut the flower out.

And that was it. (Followed by a bath, because what toddler can resist sticking every body part in paint?!)

We won a competition on a Facebook page called 'Bunnys prints' for a photo jigsaw of the toddler, so that shall be accompanying our beautiful Nanny flower. (Please check out their Facebook page- they have truly beautiful work on there!)

Hope you enjoyed this different post! :-)

23 week pregnancy update. another scare!

23 weeks pregnant! Time is flying by now, thank God.

This week brought us another scare! Halfway through the week I was taking a bath, when I noticed what looked like my mucus plug floating around with fresh blood 'clots' as such. I wasn't panicked, as I was sure it was quite common, but we rung the midwife anyway. Alyssa went off to my mums incase I needed to stay the night at hospital. Luckily my blood group meant that if I rested, the mucus plug would grow back (regenerate) and most likely hold out until the time is right for baby to make her arrival! However it was important I was resting, and trying not to sit up, as baby pressing down on the cervical opening could push more plug out!

Luckily it's stopped since then and our little sprout is wriggling and happy inside, but when we realised it wasn't as common as we thought,  we were quite scared!

Symptoms this week are still quite the same. Nesting is well and truly in place, heartburn/acid too! Yack! My breasts are growing fast and it would appear 'leaking' as such already- not fun!!

I'm feeling quite tired of an evening so heading for bed around 9, and getting up early.

My appetite is unusual, sometimes I can eat and eat and eat, others I can barely eat one mouthful!

Movements are getting so strong, i'm sure she did a full somersault the other day! When I look at my tum I can see her wriggling inside- it's the most amazing feeling. 

Emotionally I'm feeling good, although a little anxious. Next week I'll start to be weaned off of my medication and I'm not sure how I'll react. It's been a hard decision staying on them until this point, especially with the risks to baby, but I guess without them it's hard to even know if I myself would still be here, let alone myself and the baby.

Hormones are all over the place and I keep crying at the smallest thing, although I know this is just pregnancy and not my depression. Happy things, sad things.. funny things, you name it, I'll be there crying lol!

Overall i'm really ready for this baby now. We've almost finished the girls room and soon will be planning a baby shower, deciding on our birth options etc. I can't wait!

That's all this week, sorry for the TMI. Stay tuned for next weeks update! :)

The nursery years- a big step.

We honestly never thought we would go through this part of parenting. 
Cost of childcare is rising, when parents are just as good teachers in their children's early years.
However, as Triston became unemployed, we were given the opportunity to receive 15 free hours of nursery funding a week for our beautiful miss A.
I am so excited, yet worried for her. With a new baby on the way, will she think we're trying to get rid of her? Will she enjoy it? Will she be safe? What will I do with all the spare time? How will she cope being away from us? So many questions whizzing round, but we've taken the leap, chosen a nursery and she'll soon be starting (in two weeks!!)
Now, of course, choosing which nursery she would attend wasn't easy. There are so many out there. After parent reviews/OFSTED reports/looking round etc we've chosen the perfect one. One that focuses on outdoor enrichment, that take trips every week. Swimming lessons and a minibus service to all 'pupils'. 

I compiled a list of things to thing about when choosing a nursery:
•Is the OFSTED report up to your standard.
•Is the environment safe and secure.
•Are the hours what you are looking for.
•Is it nearby or in suitable distance.
•Did you child look comfortable whilst touring the nursery?
•Were the staff friendly and welcoming.

These were a few of our main pointers to get us started.

It's safe to say, the next two weeks will be spent holding on tight to my baby girl, for me to finally let go on the 1st of April and see her off to nursery school!

22 weeks pregnancy update.

This week I am 22 weeks pregnant! 
It feels like it's flying by- I blame it on running around after a busy 2 year old!
Symptoms this week are quite minimal, a little heartburn, achey bump and restlessness.
Nesting is still here, and we've been buying clothes for our 2nd princess!
Movements are getting stronger- although more of a whole baby moving rather than kicks. I love that feeling!

Emotionally I'm feeling good, things have been positive again this week. Although I am feeling a little nervous about things again, like when my anxiety started up- bus journeys/messy house so I shall speak to my doctor about it!

My belly is growing steadily now, and I still haven't gained any weight which is fab!

Thats all for this week!

21 weeks update. GENDER REVEALED!

IT'S a.... GIRL!

So on my last update you were told we won't be revealing the sex. However, it was near on impossible so we caved!

We're having another beautiful little girl and I couldn't be happier. I love hearing of the bond sisters have- I never had a sister. But I can't wait to have two little girlies in the house!

Symptoms this week are still the same, pregnancy insomnia (although less after using a special pilllow) heartburn and acid. Baby's movements are very strong now and Daddy felt his first kick! Although early on, i've discovered that I have some leakages in the breast department and they're feeling very tender! Backache is appearing when I walk, aswell as leg and wrist cramps at bedtime!

Emotionally I'm feeling great- on top of things and really positive! Motivated and alert which is a lot better to how I was!

That's it for this week.. :)

20 week pregnancy update!

A day in the life of a teenage mum!

7.30 in the morning, I wake from my deep sleep to the sound of 'yes my name is iggle piggle' drifting in from tiny persons bedroom. This is the usual wake up call we get. That or 'happy birthday to you'. Dragging myself out of bed, tripping over the cat and  pile of washing I meant to put away.. 3 months ago, I sheepishly walk to the bathroom. My morning pee is the worst. Not only do I have  baby staring at me over her stairgate as if I shut the bathroom door she'd panic, but I also have a cat meowing st me because every morning she seems to want to sit in the bath and drink from the taps!!

The rest of the morning is more eventful than the wake up routine. I tackle the cereal debate with the tiny person- she asks for cereal EVEERY morning without fail. We like to give her a variety of breakfasts. I drink hot coffee whilst I can, the only time of the day that I won't have a toddler hanging off my legs shouting 'share mummy' because she is too engrossed in the annoying pig that appears on the tele every morning without fail. And of course spilling her cereal everywhere, often sharing with her toys too.

The washing machine will often be washing the load I put in the night before and forgot take out! Most wash loads get washed at least 2 times before I remember to take them out! Breakfast will be a quick bite of toast, of course shared with princess alyssa! Her majesty requires a taste of every meal I have! It's the law.

More household chores often whilst counting to ten repeatedly and singing nursery rhymes to keep tiny ears entertained. A run around the house picking up bits and bobs that the morning has accumulated somehow. Wipe around the bathroom with the cat watching to see if I'll turn the tap on for her. She often gets lucky because the sound of meowing after a morning of toddler versions of row your boat and peppa pig mean any noise I try to eliminate asap!

Lunchtime is often calm- although miss piggy loves fruit so much that she often screams and screams for 2nds.. and 3rd,4th, 5ths!!

Naptime is always well looked forward to! Although before that can happen I have to sit through THE EXCRUTIATING pain that is Alyssas weird humming that self soothes her!

Often I fall asleep and wake up to Triston shouting at the xbox.. or the phone ringing for the billionth time!

Once baby is awake, the evening time is more relaxed. I've often sucked up to the fact that the rest of the housework really needs doing, so get on with it quietly. We play board games and do puzzles, often have to read 10 books at least.. putting on funny voices and giving myself a headache. Dinner time is my retreat. I love the time I get to spend cooking a healthy meal. It's so rewarding seeing it splattered all over the face of little one, whilst she declares mmmmm, nommm. 

Daddy does the bedtime routine- he always has. This is the time I get to spend relaxing... pfft. Or washing up, sorting out bills, making phone calls, and maybe getting 5 minutes to breath!

Night time. Well you can guess. As soon as the mini me is asleep. I hit the sofa and don't move for the whole night! Until of course I get up to go to bed and remember the 1000 chores I forgot that day!