Update on my feelings: The last couple of weeks have been a total rollercoaster of emotions & I think today it just hit me. Gearing up for Alyssa's first birthday was emotional, but then having her in hospital 3-4 times, on her birthday & over her birthday weekend made it 10x worse. Seeing your baby poorly & not knowing how to help is the worst thing, & it brought back all of the horrible thoughts that I was a bad Mum. Because of the hospital trips, we were all exhausted & the housework was lacking.. This wasn't really a problem, until today. I have glandular fever/tonsilitus & it's the worst pain ever. The housework needed doing & I needed to get ready for my Parenting course.. but I couldn't see past the mess & told myself I couldn't go to my course- I had to stay home & tidy. I am proud of myself- because I took some time out in the bathroom & told myself that I can leave the mess for the other people in our house to tidy & I can go to my course & relax. It's not often I will think about myself first, but I did today & I came home to a tidy house all thanks to my amazing fiance, Triston! As much as people slate him, he really is a gem. He's been my biggest rock throughout this journey & without him, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. I had a PND & OCD check up last week & although I'm doing well, they want to keep me on my medication for at least another four months(Until June) before thinking about lowering my dosage & then gradually coming off of them in time for Christmas 2013. I think that's a good idea- I hadn't had a breakdown for four weeks(Until today) but I don't feel 'ready' in myself to stop them altogether. I think we need our own place, & our own routine to get into before I can go it alone again.
A little window into my thinking: Aswell as thinking about finding a house, thinking about Alyssa, Triston, the weekly food shop, playgroups, housework etcetc.. I as a Mum have to remember to take my medication, have to write down the days of my breakdowns, keep a record of my feelings, have check ups with doctors, aswell as having all the emotions of being a Mum with PND & OCD whizzing around my head day in day out. I have to forcefully tell myself NOT to wash up straight away, I have to walk away from the toys on the floor.. Most parents would take the opportunity to relax with a cup of tea when the baby is napping- not me, I feel guilty for having the 'me time' & tidy up Alyssa's mess, or get activities ready for when she awakens. This makes the job of being a Mum ten times harder, but somehow I'm coping & Alyssa is thriving.
Alyssa's 12 month update: At 12 months she is now sitting, rolling, crawling & cruising, standing unaided for a minute at a time, eating with a fork/spoon, recognizing ducks and saying quack, recognizing cats & saying cat, woofing at the dog, can turn the pages of her story books, sort shapes in her shape sorter, say 'Mum/mama/mummy, Dad/dada/daddy, nana/nanny, grandad, woof, cat, up, hot, tah & yeah.. aswell as lots of gobbly-goop! :) She can climb the stairs with us behind her & can get into her pram by herself. She now tells us when she's ready for bed by going to the stairgate, rattling it & shouting 'Up'. She is on 3 meals a day, with snacks between & is a healthy weight of 20lbs 4oz.. & a loooooongggg 76cm in height! She's fitting nicely in 12-18 month clothes & her hair is now able to fit into headbands & clips! :') She makes me smile everyday with her crazy dancing & the way she'll come & snuggle again, like when she was tiny!
Relationship update: Triston proposed to me on our two year anniversary & things are going great. We're both happy & as 'in love' as we were on the day we first started seeing each other.. but even more so. We're spending more time together now that I can leave the mess for a little while & my new relaxed approach means cuddles don't irritate me as much- which has meant lots of nights snuggled infront of a movie. We're talking to each other lots about our feelings- which is great because we can deal with any issues in a relaxed manner! :) He's working extra hard to provide for us & to be a great Daddy & Partner.. & he has been so amazing! :D On Friday we're taking our first trip to the City Hall to see Comedy Magicians perform- which we're both looking forward to. .& making a date night out of it! :) All in all, we're completely in love & have a very happy & healthy relationship.
I hope you enjoyed this blog.. & look forward to writing for you all again soon!
#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS. x
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