I get knocked down- but I get up again.

Wow. What a crazy couple of weeks. Stress from Triston losing his job sent me off on one of the worst breakdowns yet. I was so lost, confused, angry. I didn't want to be here. I didn't leave the house, I didn't get dressed.. I sat indoors like a hermit. I wondered why we were here. To be let down, disappointed.. to then die and it all be over. Morbid I know. I couldn't focus on the good things inbetween, the happiness, memories, love and laughter. Nothing could cheer me up and I spent days crying and sleeping. Waking, crying, sleeping.. waking, crying, sleeping. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to face the world that had left me feeling this way. All in all: I didn't want to be here at all.

My family were my rock. Well, Triston and my Mum. They forced me to get dressed, to put make up on, to tidy the house or to go to the park. They made me realise why I need to beat this. They made me see that light again. They reassured me, comforted me, showed me the positives, iliminated the negatives. They made everything feel okay again.

Without them, I'm not even sure if I would still be here right now. And that scares me. Every knock back sends me lower and lower each time.

Depression is a monster!

TODDLER FUN- Pizza Making. 06/08/2013.

Today Alyssa helped make her own dinner. Or 'ninner' as she calls it.
We found a simple Pizza dough recipe and decided homemade Pizzas were on the menu tonight.
With Alyssa stripped down to her nappy, hands washed and nails scrubs.. we sat her on the worktops and got started. 
Making the dough was messy and sticky, but she loved it & I really think she enjoyed being praised. She looked so independant! Once the dough was done, and Alyssa was scrubbed once more, we set out shaping and topping our Pizzas. We chose Chorizo, Green Giant Corn, Cheese and Pineapple chunks to top with, along with Garlic and Chilli infused Tomato Puree for the basing.

Alyssa loved sprinkling(AND NIBBLING) the cheese and arranging it on the base.

20 minutes in the oven and they were done. The smell was amazing, the dough spongy, yet thin and floppy with a crispy crust. We did good! :D

When we brought in the Pizza to Alyssa, she looked so happy. I think she recognised it from the earlier Pizza she helped decorate, and looked super proud of herself whilst getting stuck into eating it!

Here are a few piccies:

Anxiety is blergh!

Friday 2nd August 2013.

I had been looking forward to this day for about a week! I was going to meet some old school friends in the town centre for a big catch up. I was so ready for some time being a 'teenager' and not 'mummy' first. Alyssa was dropped down to my Mum and I put on my best outfit(Basically the one without baby food down it, one that was clean and freshly ironed lol) and did my hair and makeup and I was ready to go. I kissed Triston goodbye and went to the front door. This was it.

I was supposed to be happy, excited.. yet I couldn't bring myself to open the door.

I could feel the tears welling up. Triston stood there looking at me like what's the problem? 

I was scared, anxious.. I didn't want to leave. I told him I was tired, I wasn't feeling well, I was scared.

He looked at me & I started shaking.. why wasn't I happy? I should've been ecstatic. One of my friends I hadn't seen in 7 months! Why did my anxiety flare up now?

I'm not sure what I was anxious or scared about.. them seeing me knowing what's wrong with me, seeing how much weight I've gained, or going it alone.. not being used to going without Triston or Alyssa by my side, or whether it was the fear of not fitting in anymore. I wanted to stay home and be a mum. I couldn't switch off. I knew as soon as I stepped out the door I was a free teenager, and I couldn't bring myself to it.

So anyway, after ten minutes of discussing, Triston realized I needed a push- literally. He pushed me out the front door, kissed my head and said 'Have fun princess'.

It was the push I needed. He accepted that I needed time out, so why couldn't I?

I got to my friends house as her mum was lifting us into town, and I let my shoulders go. I was free.

 Free from the anxiety I had ten minutes ago, free from the 'family life'. I was teenager Tamar again.

I laughed at teenager-y things, chattered like a school girl and smiled at the memories we brought up.

In town the first half an hour I felt anxious, I closed up and barely said anything, but I think my friends noticed and they made me feel comfortable.

The rest of the day was amazing, we reminisced, messed around, shopped and relaxed, chatting about our busy lives. They spoke about sixth form, I spoke about carpets and curtains.. but they didn't care. They are truly amazing. They laughed at my not really funny mummy jokes and I laughed at their tales of boys and coursework.. It was like the old times again.

I know I can beat this, one step at a time.. It is taking longer than I imagined, but I will get there. With amazing friend and amazing family, I will finally be able to say.. I KICKED DEPRESSION'S BUTT!