How I cope..

The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster for me. My anxiety & trust issues returned & I've had a few breakdowns. Just bursting into tears for no reason what-so-ever. Some days have been really good, & then I see things on the news, Poverty stricken countries, wars taking over people's lives, money issues, people dying of Cancer, house fires, floods etc.. & I feel so angry at the world. But then again, I look at my beautiful daughter & how fast she's developing, her smile, her cheeky giggle.. & I think, why do I feel angry.. I've got the most perfect family I could have ever wished for, & no matter what the world is doing, they're here with me. I guess it's never going to be the same again, not now I've come to terms with it. There'll still be bad days, I'm just hoping I can be strong enough to get through them better than I have this past week.

I cannot be more thankful for my wonderful partner though. He has to put up with so much negativity from me, not wanting cuddles, not smiling.. sitting around looking sad, getting angry at him for being silly etc.. How he manages to be so amazing & supportive, whilst having his own problems occasionally, I'll never know. I honestly thought he wouldn't want to stay. Who'd want to stay with someone who spends a lot of the time hiding in the bathroom crying? My Triston, that's who! He always seems to find a way to cheer me up, no matter how low I feel. He treats me like a Princess, cuddles me, & tells me it's all going to be okay.. He'll sit stroking my hair until I fall asleep, or rub my back when I'm so tense I'm shaking.
THAT is why I love him so much. He always puts Alyssa & I first, no matter what.

Although I haven't posted for a while, writing is still my best therapy.. that & walking.
Writing helps me 'throw away' my negative thoughts & start a clean slate(Why I tend to write at nighttime before bed) & walking helps me 'take in' all the fresh air, the atmosphere around me.. I'm free when I'm walking, I can go anywhere I'd like to go.. :)

Alyssa is one of the other ways I cope. Who could be sad when they see her giggling away to herself, or cuddling the cat(Or anything fluffy for that matter?) I know I have to be strong for her, & that helps a lot!

Chocolate is another good way of coping.. but that's not the best one(I'm trying to cut down, haha)
Anyway, I think my head is clear now, so I am off for the night.. to TRY & get some sleep on these darn tablets.

Once again, thank-you for reading.. & I hope this helps to make people realize.. DEPRESSION ISN'T WEAKNESS. (:

Just a little ramble.

Hellooooo :)
Haven't blogged in a little while(Which is actually a good sign) so thought I'd update anyone who's reading.
I've had a good week+. No breakdowns in a long while(Can't remember the last one) Which is amazing!:D
I've been out with new people & their babies, & felt so proud I had the confidence to do so. Was very nice seeing my girl interact with other little ones!
Alyssa is currently on steroids because of a poorly skin problem.. & it's the worst thing to see her in pain, however.. she's achieved a lot over the past week. Standing alone for around 30 seconds. Walking everywhere with her Vtech Walker, passing things to you when saying 'Tah'. We have a tooth through & another on it's way.. & she is also attempting to spoon feed herself! When she sees an animal, teddy or even a family member, she lays her head on them(Attempting to cuddle) & says 'aaaah' & she also claps when you say 'clap Alyssa' & when she's done something that we clap at her for! :D It's amazing seeing her reach new milestones, & definitely makes me feel better- knowing I have helped her development is a confidence booster.
I'm feeling quite relaxed, knowing the house is being redecorated & taking each day as it comes. Unarranged outings have taken place & I haven't stressed over them.. a lot of change & I've been able to accept it!
Small steps make great impact!
I have another doctors appointment on Monday, to get some more medication & for a 'chat' about how everything's going.. so fingers crossed it will be fine.
We have lots of plans for next year, Alyssa's first birthday, Christening, splitting a large bedroom & moving Alyssa into her own.. & I've figured having a lot to look forward to helps my moods!
Christmas is around the corner & that's definitely made me relax, it's my favourite time of the year!
I'm off now anyway, as little lady is dancing to Gangnam Style & I have to watch(Makes me giggle every time)
Goodbye for now! :) xxxxxx

On the up? :D

Haven't posted in a few days- have been too busy laughing & having fun with family & friends!
Friday night I went to my friend's house for her birthday, caught up with lots of old school friends & got very drunk! Which is a first, normally I wouldn't even think of doing it. What if people think I'm a bad Mum etcetc.. but I laughed & smiled, & forgot all my worries.. all whilst Alyssa was having quality time with her Daddy at home!
The rest of the weekend was spent with Triston & Lissy. We went Christmas shopping, & even adopted a Hamster called Stanley, who's slowly settling in at home!
So there's not much to report on, apart from the fact that I am feeling a LOT better. The housework is being left a little longer, whilst I play with my daughter, the routine's getting wiggled about a bit- & I've even managed to stay in bed for longer in the mornings, instead of getting up & being GO, GO, GO.
& that is all for today, :D

The beginning of my new life.

I found out I was pregnant on the 10th of June, 2011.
It was a school day, & I had missed my period by a week. Knowing the signs from my previous pregnancy, I got Triston to ride to the local Tesco Store & buy a pregnancy test. If I was pregnant, I wanted to know straight away- The last one had ended in the most drastic way, & I wanted to make sure if I was again, I would keep myself & the baby safe.
I drunk two whole bottles of Lucozade, trying to go for a wee.. but my body was not having any of it.. I waited an hour since getting the test before I had enough liquid in me to complete it accurately!
When I was the pink line, it was brighter than the last time.. & came up much faster too.
My heart actually sunk. Right that minute was when my worries began. I felt sick, I didn't want to be pregnant, not because I didn't like the thought of a baby, but because I had suffered a miscarriage, & was worried this pregnancy would end in the same way.
Triston was nervous, he's older than me by a few years. What would people think of us? How would we tell our parents?
It wasn't as bad as we thought. Luckily my Mum is very supportive. She made it clear that this baby was our responsibility & no-one elses.. which we fully understood- now the excitement could kick in!
Our first scan was on the 29th of July. It was such an amazing feeling seeing our baby wriggling around on the screen. Both our eyes filled up with tears, & I finally felt a little less nervous.
I struggled through the pregnancy with severe morning sickness, a suspected blood clot on the brain & severe anaemia.. aswell as that, I was still at school studying for my exams & preparing our home for our new arrival.
The 19th of September was the day we found out the sex of our baby. We desperately wanted a healthy baby, but we did like the idea of a little girl more. We told people we wanted a boy, as we thought Alyssa was going to be male, but didn't want to seem disappointed to them.. however when the sonographer announced the baby was a female, we both smiled our biggest smiles! & as we walked out of the hospital, we started planning little outfits! We picked the name Alyssa-Mae.
Labour was soon approaching & I was so tired.
On the 12th of February I had noticed Alyssa-Mae wasn't moving.. a quick trip to the hospital showed that she was infact fine & moving well, I just for some reason couldn't feel it. The doctors decided to give me a sweep, I was already 1 day overdue. As I walked uncomfortably through the hospital to get our lift, my contractions started. I was at home until 2 o'clock Wednesday morning, with contractions coming & going every 6 minutes. However, when I went in, they began to speed up & an examination had shown I was already 7cm! I was barely in pain & was able to walk around the ward, listening to Justin Bieber & raiding the kitchens! :P Alyssa-Mae was born ten hours upon arrival, weighing 7lbs 8.5oz, with just Gas & Air for pushing & being stitched back up after tearing. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.
I couldn't believe she was mine. She slept all night that first night, I on the other hand stayed awake, watching my beautiful girl breathe in & out.
& that was just the beginning...

PND & OCD AWARENESS!

When I fell pregnant, everyone warned me about sleepless nights, missing my friends, struggling through school with a baby, being bullied about having a baby, the challenges that babies bring(learning how to change nappies, prepare milk etcetc).
When Alyssa was born & she slept through, she took her milk well & my friends visited every day. I was on top of the world.
When I passed my exams, I thought.. 'who's laughing now?'.
But not one person EVER said, you will suffer from PND & OCD.
No-one said there'd be days where I would feel like crying & hiding myself away.
I wasn't prepared for this.. & I think that's part of the reason I have it.
I glided through 'Mummyhood' happily & easily. Got lots of sleep, had lots of days out.. & knew exactly how to care for my gorgeous daughter.
So instead of catching up on sleep, taking parenting classes..etcetc, when I wasn't with friends.. What could I do? I didn't need help with Alyssa, so I would tidy.. or I would sit, I had time to worry about the mess, I had time to worry about things that didn't matter.
& now I'm in the situation I am.
People NEED to know that whether you have a well behaved baby or not, that may not be the end of trouble with Motherhood. No-one really goes into PND & OCD.. if people knew about it more, maybe they would go for help sooner, or maybe they could prevent it from happening. I know if I knew the signs of it whilst I was pregnant, as soon as they came when she was born, I'd have stopped myself from overthinking & constantly tidying.
PND & OCD is a taboo subject, but it needs more AWARENESS.. It's not just an excuse for being upset. It is a clinical illness. & it's a horrible place to be. No-one will ever understand how low you can feel(unless they've been diagnosed themselves) .. I think people need to be made more aware.
I'm not sure how they will, but I hope they do.

This morning was a bad one.

I woke up this morning, after an unsettled sleep due to the medication & I knew automatically I wasn't feeling okay. I was tired, had no energy & everything was bugging me.

I had no reason to feel like this.. apart from the fact that my feelings are everywhere.

I couldn't see beyond the mess. I knew there would be washing to do, bedding to sort out, toys to put away & for some reason today, I couldn't see beyond it. I couldn't see that it could be left, or that it wasn't really that much to do(Would have been done whilst Alyssa had her mid-day nap).

But I couldn't put the good into perspective. What was really a few, everyday tasks, felt like a mammoth load & I felt like I could have climbed Mt Everest more easily than doing the stuff that needed to be done.

In the end, I broke down. Which was horrible. I've been strong for a couple of days now.

I cried & cried. I shook & just wanted to tuck myself under my duvet & dream of a world with white walls, no mess & blue skies.

My only comfort was knowing I had Triston there by me. He hugged me, stroked my hair & told me everything was going to be okay.

He told me it was going to get easier.

I am so lucky. If he didn't support me, I don't know where I'd be.

My mood changed this afternoon, after booking a property viewing.

That's the thing I hate about this illness, the moods going from 0-100 in less than 5 seconds! I feel like a numpty. One minute I'm crying, the next I'm bouncing around the place like Tigger!

The bad days are never going to completely go away, but I hope I can make them fewer.

I don't like being like this.. I want to be happy. (& not over happy where I'm screaming down the phone to the lettings agent because I'm excited!!) 

The bad days are awful. No energy, headaches, shaking, crying, rocking, shouting, itching... it's not nice & probably even worse for someone to witness.

That's the main reason I'm determined to beat this.

So my daughter & partner can have the happy me back. The fun me.

Tomorrow should hopefully be a better day, but at least I can take comfort from the fact that I can & I will beat this.

One day, hopefully not too far away, day's like this will be a moment of the past.

A day in the life.

6:00- Triston left for work. WHOO TIME TO STARFISH IN BED!!
7:15- Woke up to the sound of the bin-men, Alyssa still snoring in bed, so a quick flick through Facebook & the housing register(no luck on that front!)
7:38- Giggles coming from the cot- Alyssa is eating a teddy & rattling the bars.
Cuddles in bed with Alyssa, before noticing she had left a present in her nappy for me.
Get Alyssa changed, after battling with her NOT to put her hand in the present she had left me! Ew.
Take Alyssa downstairs, trip over the cat & then the stairgate.. luckily baby was already down on the floor.
Go into the kitchen for 5 minutes to make warm Weetabix & Banana for Lissy, to find she had demolished the toy box & the front room that WAS tidy, now looks like a ransacked toy store!
Feed Alyssa breakfast, get covered in Weetabix after being shown Alyssa's trick of sneezing food out of her nose.
Eventually get cleaned up, leave baby to play & watch Mike The Knight to make myself Crumpets.
Out of milk, so no cup of tea for me. HOW WILL I COPE?!
Juice it is then.
Too busy cleaning up the Cotton Buds that Alyssa had managed to find & chuck all over the carpet, so Crumpets had popped up & gone cold.
Start the Crumpets all over again..
& it's only 8:30!!
Still to do today:
Meet Triston at ten, go into town to pick up a new Minnie Mouse Outfit.
Come home, housework, maybe a nap, maybe a game of COD with Triston while Lissy naps.
Make lunch, dinner, supper..bottles.. maybe get to bed before 11:00pm.
WISH ME LUCK! :D

Today is a good day.

Today is a good day. There is washing up to do, toys on the floor & clothes to put away.

& guess what? I'm snuggled in bed with my gorgeous daughter, watching Home Alone 2.

Today is a good day, because I've ignored the mess, I've looked past it & decided to rest- instead of obsessing over the daily chores.

Today is a good day because I am happily cuddling my daughter & laughing at her cheekiness(& the fact she's fallen asleep cuddled up with the tele remote) -I'm not itching all over, dying to scrub the floor, re-paint the walls, or dunk my little brother in the bath after he's covered himself in pen & paint.

Today is a good day, because I've looked at the mess & told myself 'I can do it later'.

Today is a good day, because I've let it be a good day.

Without being told to let it be, I've done it myself. I've overcome the fear of the mess & I'm proud.

Today is a good day & I am happy.

I hope tomorrow's a good day too! 

Two weeks after diagnosis.

So, it's been two weeks since the official diagnosis of Post Natal Depression & OCD(Obsessive compulsive disorder) & I must say, I am very proud of myself. I've had to make some very hard decisions- which could possibly change my future, but I've made them & I feel like I'm slowly getting back on track!
Being a Mum is hard, being a teenage Mum, when you're constantly being judged & bitched about is even harder! I tried my best to be 'perfect'. To try & make people think I wasn't the stereotypical teenage mum(partying, benefits etc..) I stayed at school, I began constantly cleaning, tidying & making sure my family looked presentable at all times. I started college, I tried to be the perfect girlfriend, daughter, sister.. I wanted people to think good of me, to be proud of my decisions. & now I've realized that they were proud of me from the start- I was made to be a GOOD mum, teenager or not, tidy house or not, stylish clothes ..or not.
I worried about what people would say, so I never brought jarred baby food, always made from scratch, I set a strict cleaning routine(6+ hours a day!) I would moan at the boyfriend for being a little immature- what would people think of us, messing around like children, when we have a child ourselves?! & now I've realized that NO Mum is perfect, whether 16, 26, 36+.. & in actual fact, listening to the bitchiness & the constant criticizing & aiming to please everyone actually made me more of a bad Mum than a good mum. I isolated myself from my family & friends, I spent more time cleaning than playing with my daughter, I'd break down in tears everyday. But now I'm happy. I've made the decision to quite college until I'm better- & I feel proud, proud because I am a GOOD mum, even though I'm 16.
So here's to better days- no more breakdowns, no more days on end of crying & shaking.
A happy me= a happy baby & a happy partner. What more do I need?! (Maybe £1million.. hehe)
It's going to be a long road, but HEY. I've been through so much crap that I'm sure with the support of my family & friends..(& my lovely happy pills) I can beat this.
This is just the start of a new beginning!