On the 3rd of January, I turnt 18. A big milestone.. but I didn't feel like celebrating.
As I was told my life begins now, I'm an adult now.. and after a meal with all of my friends soon to be Uni students, I felt awful.
I've never regretted the decisions I've made.. and never will.. however on my birthday, I felt different.
I thought about my friends, going to Uni.. getting jobs, parties etc.. and wondered if I had done the right thing.
Obviously my low confidence helped my brain make the decision that I hadn't done the right thing.
I felt like a rubbish mum- no job, no further education.. nothing to show my girl and her brother or sister how well I've done. No hobby to be proud of.. no job to provide for them.
Now I know, sympathy isn't given when you've gor yourself into a situation and you'll be thinking it's my own fault- I'm not silly.. but I feel the need to share this to show teenage girls that having a baby isn't JUST about dressing them up and pushing prams.
Opportunities like college/uni/parties etc.. are twice as hard to work for, take twice as long to do for some.. or never happen at all. Especially if you're unfortunate enough to develop depression.
I broke down in tears and couldn't stop. My 18th should be about plans to move out, partying and forgetting about coursework for a day. Not tidying up my own house whilst chasing my child around and throwing up morning sickness.
It was a horrid morning.. I doubted my parenting and everything.
That afternoon, I sat down and Alyssa came running up to me, hugged me and pronounced peoudly 'I love you mummy'. Out of the blue.. a whole sentance. Not even 2 years old.
That's when it hit me.. I dont have qualifications (that won't get you far in this day anyway) I don't have a job (but Triston does and provides for us) I don't have parties (that would be forgotten anyway) but what I do have is 1000000x better than any of that. I have a clever little girl who loves me, dotes on me and cherishes time with me.. who I will guide into the right direction and show the world to.
Being a parent is hard.. being one with an extra hurdle like being young or depression, or any other hurdle is even harder.
Think about what you want before making that one decision that could change your life forever.
