Anxiety is blergh!

Friday 2nd August 2013.

I had been looking forward to this day for about a week! I was going to meet some old school friends in the town centre for a big catch up. I was so ready for some time being a 'teenager' and not 'mummy' first. Alyssa was dropped down to my Mum and I put on my best outfit(Basically the one without baby food down it, one that was clean and freshly ironed lol) and did my hair and makeup and I was ready to go. I kissed Triston goodbye and went to the front door. This was it.

I was supposed to be happy, excited.. yet I couldn't bring myself to open the door.

I could feel the tears welling up. Triston stood there looking at me like what's the problem? 

I was scared, anxious.. I didn't want to leave. I told him I was tired, I wasn't feeling well, I was scared.

He looked at me & I started shaking.. why wasn't I happy? I should've been ecstatic. One of my friends I hadn't seen in 7 months! Why did my anxiety flare up now?

I'm not sure what I was anxious or scared about.. them seeing me knowing what's wrong with me, seeing how much weight I've gained, or going it alone.. not being used to going without Triston or Alyssa by my side, or whether it was the fear of not fitting in anymore. I wanted to stay home and be a mum. I couldn't switch off. I knew as soon as I stepped out the door I was a free teenager, and I couldn't bring myself to it.

So anyway, after ten minutes of discussing, Triston realized I needed a push- literally. He pushed me out the front door, kissed my head and said 'Have fun princess'.

It was the push I needed. He accepted that I needed time out, so why couldn't I?

I got to my friends house as her mum was lifting us into town, and I let my shoulders go. I was free.

 Free from the anxiety I had ten minutes ago, free from the 'family life'. I was teenager Tamar again.

I laughed at teenager-y things, chattered like a school girl and smiled at the memories we brought up.

In town the first half an hour I felt anxious, I closed up and barely said anything, but I think my friends noticed and they made me feel comfortable.

The rest of the day was amazing, we reminisced, messed around, shopped and relaxed, chatting about our busy lives. They spoke about sixth form, I spoke about carpets and curtains.. but they didn't care. They are truly amazing. They laughed at my not really funny mummy jokes and I laughed at their tales of boys and coursework.. It was like the old times again.

I know I can beat this, one step at a time.. It is taking longer than I imagined, but I will get there. With amazing friend and amazing family, I will finally be able to say.. I KICKED DEPRESSION'S BUTT!