I get knocked down- but I get up again.

Wow. What a crazy couple of weeks. Stress from Triston losing his job sent me off on one of the worst breakdowns yet. I was so lost, confused, angry. I didn't want to be here. I didn't leave the house, I didn't get dressed.. I sat indoors like a hermit. I wondered why we were here. To be let down, disappointed.. to then die and it all be over. Morbid I know. I couldn't focus on the good things inbetween, the happiness, memories, love and laughter. Nothing could cheer me up and I spent days crying and sleeping. Waking, crying, sleeping.. waking, crying, sleeping. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to face the world that had left me feeling this way. All in all: I didn't want to be here at all.

My family were my rock. Well, Triston and my Mum. They forced me to get dressed, to put make up on, to tidy the house or to go to the park. They made me realise why I need to beat this. They made me see that light again. They reassured me, comforted me, showed me the positives, iliminated the negatives. They made everything feel okay again.

Without them, I'm not even sure if I would still be here right now. And that scares me. Every knock back sends me lower and lower each time.

Depression is a monster!

TODDLER FUN- Pizza Making. 06/08/2013.

Today Alyssa helped make her own dinner. Or 'ninner' as she calls it.
We found a simple Pizza dough recipe and decided homemade Pizzas were on the menu tonight.
With Alyssa stripped down to her nappy, hands washed and nails scrubs.. we sat her on the worktops and got started. 
Making the dough was messy and sticky, but she loved it & I really think she enjoyed being praised. She looked so independant! Once the dough was done, and Alyssa was scrubbed once more, we set out shaping and topping our Pizzas. We chose Chorizo, Green Giant Corn, Cheese and Pineapple chunks to top with, along with Garlic and Chilli infused Tomato Puree for the basing.

Alyssa loved sprinkling(AND NIBBLING) the cheese and arranging it on the base.

20 minutes in the oven and they were done. The smell was amazing, the dough spongy, yet thin and floppy with a crispy crust. We did good! :D

When we brought in the Pizza to Alyssa, she looked so happy. I think she recognised it from the earlier Pizza she helped decorate, and looked super proud of herself whilst getting stuck into eating it!

Here are a few piccies:

Anxiety is blergh!

Friday 2nd August 2013.

I had been looking forward to this day for about a week! I was going to meet some old school friends in the town centre for a big catch up. I was so ready for some time being a 'teenager' and not 'mummy' first. Alyssa was dropped down to my Mum and I put on my best outfit(Basically the one without baby food down it, one that was clean and freshly ironed lol) and did my hair and makeup and I was ready to go. I kissed Triston goodbye and went to the front door. This was it.

I was supposed to be happy, excited.. yet I couldn't bring myself to open the door.

I could feel the tears welling up. Triston stood there looking at me like what's the problem? 

I was scared, anxious.. I didn't want to leave. I told him I was tired, I wasn't feeling well, I was scared.

He looked at me & I started shaking.. why wasn't I happy? I should've been ecstatic. One of my friends I hadn't seen in 7 months! Why did my anxiety flare up now?

I'm not sure what I was anxious or scared about.. them seeing me knowing what's wrong with me, seeing how much weight I've gained, or going it alone.. not being used to going without Triston or Alyssa by my side, or whether it was the fear of not fitting in anymore. I wanted to stay home and be a mum. I couldn't switch off. I knew as soon as I stepped out the door I was a free teenager, and I couldn't bring myself to it.

So anyway, after ten minutes of discussing, Triston realized I needed a push- literally. He pushed me out the front door, kissed my head and said 'Have fun princess'.

It was the push I needed. He accepted that I needed time out, so why couldn't I?

I got to my friends house as her mum was lifting us into town, and I let my shoulders go. I was free.

 Free from the anxiety I had ten minutes ago, free from the 'family life'. I was teenager Tamar again.

I laughed at teenager-y things, chattered like a school girl and smiled at the memories we brought up.

In town the first half an hour I felt anxious, I closed up and barely said anything, but I think my friends noticed and they made me feel comfortable.

The rest of the day was amazing, we reminisced, messed around, shopped and relaxed, chatting about our busy lives. They spoke about sixth form, I spoke about carpets and curtains.. but they didn't care. They are truly amazing. They laughed at my not really funny mummy jokes and I laughed at their tales of boys and coursework.. It was like the old times again.

I know I can beat this, one step at a time.. It is taking longer than I imagined, but I will get there. With amazing friend and amazing family, I will finally be able to say.. I KICKED DEPRESSION'S BUTT!

DEPRESSION UPDATE. 17 months on.

So it is roughly 17 months on since I 'got' depression, and almost a year since I finally got help. 

I am on the same amount of medication since, it has not been highered nor lowered.

In myself, I feel I am happier.. however, my anxities are still causing havoc & I feel I haven't got over that just yet. As for my OCD, I feel that has gone completely.. and I am happy about that, however, I think I am over the OCD because the depression has taken control and is making me less motivated to be so obsessive over things.. so it's good but bad too.

I am coping daily by focusing on what NEEDS to be done and not what HAS to. I am trying to pull myself away from negative people too, and that seems to have helped. 

Planning for the future is working aswell, we're talking about house decor, a car, job possibilities for myself etc.. So that's great. :)

In terms of the support I'm getting, it's still going strong.. however I think people are thinking I should be over this by now.. so aren't being as aware of my needs. If only they knew how long it took to 'get over' depression, and I hope they realise the truth soon, as it can take a long time and I don't want to go without any support for that long.

My doctor has been great and we've spoken about certain diets I can use to make myself more body confident, aswell as exercise plans made to make you feel happier(Endorphins and what not). So I am feeling more positive about myself after losing a couple of pounds and I feel less like I need to eat to make me happy.

Overall, things are going well. They are heading in the right direction. Sometimes, I get knocked down, but I am finally strong enough to pull myself back up again.

Thanks for reading, bye for now. x

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.

Thoughts and feelings of the day- 28th July.

Why do people feel the need to be horrible & bitchy? Why can't they stand to see others happy? Why do they say they dislike someone, but still go out od their way to be nasty and to spy on them?... why, why, why?

We only have one life, why would you want to spend it losing friends? Being horrible & upsetting people?

Especially when they know what you might be going through.

Fair enough, not everyone can be friends.. but you leave it as that.. 'not friends'.

You don't continue to be horrible and bitch and moan about them.

If I dislike someone then that's it, I don't think about them and get on with my life.. but it's hard to keep calm when someone's constantly on your back being nasty.

There is NO need for bullies.

MY LABOUR & BIRTH STORY.

On Sunday the 12th of February I didn't feel my baby move. I was one day overdue and very anxious about why she wasn't wriggling. Throughout the whole of my pregnancy she was always on the go. Wriggling, kicking, sticking her limbs in my ribs. I thought something was seriously wrong. For peace of mind I went to the Maternity unit for a heart trace to make sure she was still breathing. The trace came back fine and said I was having irregular contractions.. however I still could not feel the movements, nor the contractions. The doctors decided to give me a Stretch and Sweep, just to ease my worries. Upon doing this, they told me I was 2cm and ready to drop. 
With Triston by my side I headed home to await the arrival of our baby girl.
That night I woke with awful back ache, and pains across my stomach. I didn't know what labour felt like, obviously as a first time mum. & I wasn't too informed of 'period pains' either as I had never suffered them before.. So I went on to do my Paper round and go for a walk to town with Triston.
On the Monday afternoon, things were getting more painful and I was sure it was time.. Arriving at the hospital expecting my baby to arrive, I was still only 2cm and having irregular contractions. I was sent home to 'rest' and have a wriggle on my birthing ball.

That night I did not sleep, the pains were intense but manageable without pain relief and I wanted my baby more than ever.

Tuesday came and again, I did my paperround and went for a walk.. I was tired at this point having no sleep, and desperate for things to progress. We went to town and brought Fresh Pineapple, and I spent the day on the birthing ball eating.. again in lots of pain.

That night things started picking up and I was struggling to breath through the contractions. Triston was timing and eventually at 2 in the morning, they hit 3 minutes apart. We phoned my Mum to pick us up and off we went to the hospital.

The midwives looked at me as if to say 'Ergh, not her again.. you're not in labour so go home'. I demanded an internal examination.. by this time I had missed two nights sleep and was in agony.

What happened next was a shock, to us all and my emotions started kicking in. I thought I was going to meet my baby girl. The internal examination showed that I was 8cm dilated.. Too far dilated for a water birth. They informed me that my baby would be in my arms within a couple of hours.

For 8.5 hours we waited in the small delivery room. In and out of the bathroom and the ward. Not once did I sit down, apart from the on the birthing ball. Triston and my mum were tired, and we were all impatient.. Stuffing our faces with sweeties and hot chocolate, trying to stay awake. Why was my daughter being a pain, she 'should' have been here according to the doctors. At 11:00 another internal examination showed that I was finally at 10cm and ready to push. This is where the Gas and Air came in.. At first it was great, but I went light headed and thought I was going to pass out. I had to give it up, and go it alone. 

After an hour and twent three minutes of pushing, with my Mum, Triston, The Midwife and Student Midwife by my side, Alyssa-Mae Lillian Sedgwick entered the world. I was so excited, relieved, tired.. and scared. The doctors were rushing around, worried about the blood loss. I had torn internally and externally and was losing a lot of blood. Alyssa was in my arms and I didn't even focus on what was happening at the end of the bed. Deep down, beyond the worry, I was exstatic, over the moon. My precious Rainbow baby was here. 

The doctors were amazing and managed to stitch me up without having to have full on surgery.

Everyone was crying with happiness, including the student midwife.. she had just helped deliver her first ever baby! :')
Alyssa was weighed and we found out she was a perfect 7lbs 8oz.

We were discharged the next day after a 24 hour observation due to Alyssa inhaling Macconium(sp). But  all was well and we were thrown into life as a family of three. :)

In labour, listening to Justin Bieber!!

First born cuddles :)

Finally going home!

Diary post #1

(I feel ever so crazy doing this.. but my doctor said writing a diary will help.. and I thought you might be interested in reading it too.)

Dear diary,
Today has been a good day. The sun makes me so happy. I felt confident in a strappy vest top, which is a hugeeee difference to how I was before. I have been relaxed and smiley.

We took a picnic to the park and played in the river with Alyssa! :-) She absolutely loved it and seeing her happy makes me happy.

I've not thought about anything bad.. and looked at the best of situations.. including Alyssa running in the road(I'd normally think oh lord that's dreadful- but today I understood that now she has done it, I was able to tell her off and let her know it's dangerous).

Making the best of situations isn't easy for me, so am feeling very proud.

That's all for now! Not much to report on from today.

Tata for now. ♡