The big move! :D

Soooo, yesterday we got the keys to our new home! Today we've been in cleaning up the dust that the kitchen & bathroom fitters left everywhere, & also decorating Alyssa's room & tomorrow Alyssa is going to her Godmother's house, so we can paint the hallway & our bedroom! & also do Alyssa's bedroom floors! :')

We just need to find a sofa & an oven from somewhere & we'll be all set to move in! I can't wait!

The house is gorgeous, two beds, new fitted kitchen & bathroom, lovely wooden flooring, huge rooms & a balcony that catches the sun amazingly! 

I cannot wait to have our own home. Friends can come over, & we can finally have our own routine, rather than a shared one!

If you don't see me post for a little while, it's because we still need to set internet up & I'll be busy decorating/moving & enjoying our new home for a little while! :)

Life is a rollercoaster, you've just got to sit it out & ride the waves.

Just a little rant of mine!
One thing my depression has taught me, is that no matter what mental state you're in, life is always a rollercoaster. You can be healthy, unhealthy, depressed, not depressed, rich, poor, skinny, fat, male, female, young, old. Everyone experiences a wave of emotions & problems in their lifetime. I've seen that a lot of people that don't have depression don't like to talk about their problems, they think people will tell them to shut up moaning. I think that's wrong. I've never seen someone who has been diagnosed with depression put something out there & then have people tell them to stop moaning. So why should those without depression be told to stop? TALKING about your problems helps a whole lot. I've learnt that on my journey through PND. Getting people to listen to you & understand what you're going through HELPS. 

So why, if you're not medically ill, are you not allowed to complain about life, or talk about your problems? 

Mentally stable people have problems too & as much as I appreciate the support I get personally, I feel sorry for those who don't.. simply because people say 'it's life'.. yet feel that a depressed person would be offended by that, so let them complain.

LET PEOPLE TALK! Before it's too late & depression takes over, let them tell you how they're feeling, let them whine & moan.. let them complain & talk about their problems, you might not realize it, but 'normal' people can have just as many emotions whizzing around as someone who's depressed!

MY TWO FAVOURITE PEOPLE! :D

Alyssa-Mae Lillian Sedgwick: 15/02/2012.
Triston Adam Sedgwick: 15/03/1992. <3

Our own family home!

Today we have been offered our first, family home. A two bedroom maisonette in a local village. Located next to an Infant & Junior school, a shop, post office, Church & playpark! We have a large communal garden, & I already know our nextdoor neighbour. My bestfriend- Alyssa's Godmother lives five minutes around the corner & my mum too!

I am excited, yet anxious. I know having our own space will be better for my depression, but this is both mine & Triston's first time living without our parents & it's a big step to take, luckily we have each other & the most supportive families ever!

I can't wait to decorate & be able to get ourselves into our own routine, follow our own meal plan etc. Living in a shared house now, it's difficult, although I am so very greatful to my Stepdad who had taken us on & shared his home with us.

It will be sad to go, as I have lived in that house for 11/12 years, but a fresh beginning is what we all need! :')

My blogger may not be updated much for the next couple of months, as we find our way & sort out internet etc.. but I'm sure when we're settled, it will be filled with updates & pictures of our first ever home.

This time last year I never thought I'd be where I am now, I never even thought I'd be anywhere to be honest. But here I am happy & moving on with my life & leaving the depression behind!

To anyone suffering, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! YOU CAN & YOU WILL GET THERE. Keep strong. <3


Thanks for all of your support & I hope to be writing to you all very soon!

Remember..

#DEPRESSIONISN'TWEAKNESS.

Coming off my medication.

My next appointment with the GP is in June, & she will be re-assessing me to see if I can have my medication lowered. But I'm starting to get scared already. Right now, everything's going well. I'm feeling positive, the bad days are less frequent & I'm much more confident. Alyssa & I are bonding well, & my relationship with Triston is booming. But what if it goes downhill if my meds are lowered? I don't even want to risk it.. but I don't want to rely on the medication forever & be known as 'the girl who has her emotions controlled by tablets' sorta thing? :S It's a really big step to take, & I shouldn't even be thinking about it right now, but I am.. Does that mean that when the time comes I'm gonna freak out even more? 

I'm happy now, yes.. but what if that's only because of the medication? I never even want to be anywhere near the low I was in before I told the doctors.. & if I have it lowered, then there's always that chance. 

I don't want to go through it all again.. :/

& future babies? What if it isn't lowered, but then when we decide the time is right for another baby, what if I'm still not ready really? If I think I am, but I'm not? I want to be able to know my own feelings, produced by my own thoughts, not with the help of some silly tablets! :(

Life before Parenthood.

If you know me, you will know how I was before I became a parent. To lots I was the geeky girl, the one who didn't care about her clothes, her hair, her make-up, the one who listened in lessons & handed her homework in on time, the overweight girl, who couldn't play catch or handstands with the others in the playground. I was shy & quiet, & kept myself to myself. I didn't want people to stare, or talk about me, I went red in awkward situations, like being told off by the teacher, I would cry if I got a detention. Me? I was  the girl with the Backpack instead of the handbag, the knee length skirt & shirt tucked in, instead of the lycra skirt & tight fitting top. I lumped about the school hall in Gymnastics, & panted as we ran a short distance in PE. I was the girl who sucked up to the teachers. I would let people walk all over me, & I wasn't really happy.

I had friends, who are still my friends now. But even they weren't 'like me'. 

I would hang out at the park with my friends, or making up dance routines in the kitchen to old songs, whilst others were talking about hot boy bands, I was talking about last night's homework. 

As the years in Secondary school passed by, I didn't want to be that girl anymore. But I didn't want to be like the rest. 

I didn't want to party, or go to Uni, I didn't want to travel the world either. I got more & more interested in children(In a non-pervy way). I took on Health & Social Care lessons & watched programmes about family life & babies. I found a new me, a me who was dying inside to be a Mum. To have someone to care for, forever. To have someone to love. I had been let down in the past by my Dad, & practically all my family members died within the space of 3 years. I had my Mum, but she had her own troubles, & I didn't want to hassle her. I wanted someone that would love me, & never leave me. I wanted someone to be able to be proud of me, & to accept me for who I was.

I wanted my very own bundle of joy, that I could watch grow & develop & know that I created it. I wanted to do the household chores, the cooking, the messy play etc. I didn't want to go to concerts, or to get drunk on the weekends, I wanted a baby.

I wasn't silly enough to just have a baby with anyone though. I knew that a baby wasn't a thing to just pop out & have. I knew that I needed to be with someone I loved, & I thought about everything beforehand. Money, lifestyle, school/education etc. & although Alyssa wasn't planned, I knew deep down the consequences of not protecting ourselves, & I let that happen.

Despite the ups & the downs, I much prefer my life now. Being a Mummy definitely is the best thing in the world! 

My Mum is my rock.

When I first found out I was pregnant, apart from myself & Triston, my Mum was the first to know. I knew in my heart that as much as she would be disappointed, she would stand by me as much as she could. 

My Mum & I have a great relationship & we're very much the same in a lot of ways. When she still lived with me, we argued a lot.. just like teenagers & mums do, but I think we're closer now we have our own spaces. We're just so alike I reckon we just clashed, as she wanted the best for me.

Throughout my pregnancy my Mum was my rock. She told me what to expect, came with me to appointments, formed an amazing bond with my unborn baby & was there for me whenever I needed her! She gave up her time to look after me, & take me to the hospital, midwife apps etc. Not once did she doubt me or my choices & I thank her for that. She was shocked & a little disappointed that I was pregnant- but not once told me I was making the wrong choice, or that I would fail at being a Mum. She told me my options, but never actually said which one she'd prefer- she let me decide everything to do with my baby, & that's what I love about her! 

She was there throughout the labour & I couldn't have done it without her. I wanted both her & Triston there, Triston because it's his daughter & my partner, I wouldn't have wanted it differently- & my mum for lots of reasons. I wanted her to be proud of me.. I wanted her to see her beautiful Grandaughter that she helped prepare for so much, enter the world & most of all I wanted her reassurance, as much as Triston told me I would be okay, my Mum had been there herself. She had delivered me, exactly how I was going to deliver my baby. We had a special announcement to make too- naming Alyssa-Mae Lillian with Lillian being my Mum's mum's name. We knew it would be special for her & that it would be even more special if we could tell her when the emotions were still running high.

A lot of people assume that my Mum didn't like it, or didn't want to support me. But she was/is totally opposite. She is an amazing Nanna & gives her all to support our little family. She has her annoying moments(FEEDING ALYSSA CHOCOLATE IN NICE CLEAN CLOTHES- LOL) But she's so supportive & loving. & Alyssa loves her more than anything. 

I wouldn't have been able to go on this journey without her- she's been there to support me, advise me, reassure me, trust me, teach me & most of all love me.

I may have a daughter myself-  but I will always be my Mummy's girl. :)

I wish the best for my Mum, she hasn't had it easy.. & I hate seeing her sad, but now I am almost a woman(lol) & it will be time for me to make sure she's okay.. & I look forward to be able to help her along & support her in the way she's supported me! 

I wanted to write this as although I tell her I love her, I find it awkward telling her how thankful & greatful I am for her.. :)

I LOVE YOU MUM.. <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx